[NSFW] Play-by-Play JAV Review: 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう

Article — By on June 12, 2014 1:31 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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I was originally going to review Hyperdimension Neptunia PP, but I was turned off after suffering through about 5 minutes of the imbecilic dialogue, so I switched over to something that didn’t insult my intelligence nearly as much.

(This is the last chance for you dumbasses who clicked without reading the title to back out. I’m not taking responsibility for what happens when your dad’s fuckbuddy comes to check on you.)

 

Intro

Spoiler:

A JAV without cosplay is just the same as regular porn, but terrible. And a JAV with inaccurate cosplay may as well just be a hastily put together Naruto vid that may or may not exist.

Luckily, this film does the same justice to Attack on Shingeki that every other cosplayer with their mass-produced, $100 outfits does: enough to warrant a passing nod.

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The wig is solid enough to earn two nods, but no more.

 

The beginning segment features 2 minutes and 40 seconds of shitty techno music while Mikasa poses awkwardly.

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I guess this whole segment is intended to remind the audience that this isn’t for realz, since the camera flashes are included, and rather obnoxiously.

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“Oh fuck, is that actually Mikasa? If she gets sexed by someone that’s not Eren-san-senpai, that’s gonna fuck up the canon! I will not fucking accept this!”

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“Oh, nope, it’s fake. Thank god the camera flash was there to inform me! The local elementary school will be safe for another day.”

 

Faps: 0

Duration: 2 mins, 40 seconds

Recommended time investment: 0 mins

 

With the mood well set, the film gets into its first story:

 

Story 1

Spoiler:

We are introduced to Mikasa, locked in a cell. But if Mikasa’s truly locked in, why does she still have her slicenbürgens?

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We know she’s Mikasa even without the accessories. Don’t introduce plot holes for shitty reasons like that, thanks.

 

As a means of world-building, we are quickly introduced to the antagonist (or protagonist, depending on your interpretation), who has a vibrator strapped to one arm and slippers with a radical logo.

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Yes, that glove is actually a vibrator. And yes, those slippers are that hardcore.

 

After some shirt fondling, we finally get introduced to Mikasa’s breasts, which are quite acceptable.

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There’s a lot of character development in this part, because this is the first time we hear Mikasa do anything other than moan.

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Here, she says “Iya~” which is apparently Japanese for “Throat fuck me till me you’ve skinned away all the cold sores in my mouth.”

 

While we do get a number of great cuts in this scene,

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the camera does not always do justice to the cosplay.

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I have to assume this was done in more than one take, since she was taking that dick way too hard for her gag reflex not to kick in with unfortunate results.

 

And I’ll leave it to you to guess which of the following scenes make it sound like the guy’s fucking Gak.

美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.11.08_[2014.06.05_23.55.06] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.11.15_[2014.06.05_23.55.19] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.12.44_[2014.06.05_23.58.46] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.20.00_[2014.06.06_00.09.50]

All of them, you say? You guessed right!

 

After a lengthy blowjob sequence (interrupted only by the guy rubbing his foot on Mikasa’s crotch), this scene introduces a new character: Mikasa’s tongue. Unfortunately, it comes a bit too late to make a difference, since the whole segment ends after she gets facial’d.

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We hardly knew ye, tongue-chan ;_;

 

Faps: ***

Duration: 20 mins

Recommended time investment: 5 mins

 

Story 2

Spoiler:

Mikasa's re-introduction. Or should I say rear-introduction?

Mikasa’s re-introduction. Or should I say rear-introduction?

As there’s no logical progression from the past story, I am going to have to assume these are all short stories ala Fragile Things or Chicken Soup for the Rapist’s Soul.

 

Some guy in a starts rubbing her crotch in the traditional method of Japanese foreplay.

美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.25.40_[2014.06.06_12.00.27]

...which makes her cry out in pain. Guess he forgot to clip his fingernails.

…which makes her cry out in pain. Guess he forgot to clip his fingernails.

 

After some more crotch rubbing that lasts far too long, Japan decides to ruin a perfectly good pair of pants.

I take it the pixels are there for people who find 3D to be pig disgusting.

I take it the pixels are there for people who find 3D to be pig disgusting.

 

And in typical porno fashion, Mikasa gets drilled.

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And here's the money shot~

Looks the same as before she got drilldoed. What’s the supposed cinematic merit of this scene then, Japan?

 

After likely getting left with rubber residue in her vagina, Mikasa crawls up for some dick sucking. Cuz, y’know, it’s a logical next step.

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She uses her tongue in this scene pretty well, but the angle makes her look like she has an Asian version of Down’s.

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Since we already got a load of blowjobs in the first story, they quickly switch to doggy-style.

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Pants destruction: redeemed.

Pants destruction: justified.

 

But for some reason, this segues into kissing.

Why is a luchador tongue-fucking Mikasa? This is an Attack on Titan cosplay JAV, not a Bleach crossover.

Why is a luchador tongue-fucking Mikasa? This is supposed to be a straight Attack on Titan cosplay JAV, not a Bleach crossover.

 

After all that intimacy, Mikasa gets some more loving.

美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.48.39_[2014.06.06_22.24.03] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.50.29_[2014.06.06_22.25.58] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.54.56_[2014.06.06_22.30.38] 美少女剣士ミ○サ×淫語2穴凌辱×連続アナル中出しファック りょう.mp4_snapshot_00.59.37_[2014.06.06_22.35.33]

Yeah, it’s an emotional roller coaster.

 

To finish the story off, we get some butt shots. Apparently the guy had been fucking her ass behind the screen of pixels.

Come on, Japan. This is the kind of stuff your viewers should know ahead of time. I lost out on quite a few strokes I shouldn’t have.

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Those stray hairs are annoying me too; you're not alone. Totes unprofessional.

Those stray hairs are annoying me too; you’re not alone. Totes unprofessional, Japan.

 

Faps: **

Duration: 28 mins

Recommended time investment: 9 mins

 

Story 3

Spoiler:

Fuck, let me recharge for a bit. I’m gonna start bleeding at this rate. Part 2 up soon™.

Part 2:

Link Incoming

Link incoming.



Tags: , , , ,

33 Comments

Tobikage says:

JAV reviews on crymore?
What’s next? AKB0048 ‘song’ reviews?
Nice to see you’re expanding into new categories, D_S.

Dark_Sage says:

Hmm, maybe I should take over the idol scene. Half my readers are idol fangirls anyway.

jenny says:

I’m pretty sure you have more than two readers Dark_Sage, even if I’m the only one that matters.

Kurt says:

I would’ve downloaded this in a heartbeat if Rei Mizuna was playing Mikasa.

Ash says:

Rei Mizuna’s so fine, I don’t even care how many times she gets gangbanged by a room full of dudes.

Kurt says:

She’s clearly still pure.

Dylan says:

nothing sexier than pixelized pussyyyy

Enz says:

Dammit Japan, at least have the decency to have Mikasa gang-banged by a bunch of guys cosplaying as titans.

Btw, DS-kun, are the JoJo reviews dropped?

Tobikage says:

Titans don’t have genitals. Then again, this comes from the land of tentacle porn, so anything is possible.

Dark_Sage says:

Another Attack on Titan JAV I have has titan-fucking, I think. Will have to confirm that when I get off work.

FalseDawn says:

I saw pics where they have Titans with genitals on a Kotaku story, so I’m guessing they didn’t adapt that completely accurately :D

Dark_Sage says:

So dropped.

Period says:

Dropping shows seems to be in fashion this season. Is it safe to hope it goes out of style next season?

Dark_Sage says:

I’d like Summer 2014 to be the summer of my youth. As such, I’ve already started preparing my sagey body for it.

fill_in says:

“Throat fuck me till me you’ve skinned away all the cold sores in my mouth.”

kokujin-kun says:

Greatest. Review. Ever.

Dillon says:

Dark sage wat the fuck is wrong with you?

Dark_Sage says:

This was the vanilla half of the film anyway. Wait till we get to the buttmilk part.

Dark_Sage says:

Seriously, I fapped so much to that, I circumcised myself.

GeassGx says:

Crymore, your one-stop site for animu reviews and now fap materials. Keep it up D_S.

Now if you will excuse me, there is a medical emergency in my lower regions that need to be taken care of.

innocenat says:

tfw I already have that on my hdd.

Dark_Sage says:

tfw your taste is as good as my own.

Glen says:

Might as well rename this site to Fap More. There seems to be more porn than sub reviews these days. D_S finally ran out of shit to talk about other sub groups and this is the result. It’s pretty sad to see how far he has fallen. This is the epitome of pathetic. Clap it up for yourself D_S you’ve reach a new all time low.

Dark_Sage says:

The times are a’changing, my friend. Kids these days don’t care about comma splices anymore. It’s all about them pokemans, rap music, and watching Japanese girls pretend to be raped. Sometimes you just gotta adapt to what the people want.

Googol says:

Haha yeah. You’ve got a point lol

Tobikage says:

From the screenshots posted in the review, I can’t tell if this Mikasa has the trademark six-pack abs or not.
IMO, the abs are more important for this cosplay than those oversized kitchen knives.

Dark_Sage says:

If she had the abs, I wouldn’t accept the existence of a JAV where she does nothing but cry.

So no, no abs. But an abs’d Mikasa… Man, I’m at work. Don’t make me think about that.

hayaterocks says:

GJ, keep up the good efforts. Your blog will continue to be applauded regardless of its contents. Grammar would be preferred though.

Ace says:

If only it didn’t take 20 minutes for anything to happen in JAVs ;w;

noneofthat says:

So where’s your 2nd part?

yano says:

yeah,where is it? i’ve been waiting for so long

Dark_Sage says:

Real talk? Never planned on doing it. Gomenz. ;_;

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