Galaxy S7 Edge Review

Article — By on March 24, 2016 4:59 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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Can Samsung’s newest ode to capitalism melt Dark_Sage’s icy steel beams? I think we all know the answer to that.




  • Stupid awesome promotions (free Netflix, BOGO, free Gear VR bundle)
  • Bloatware is minimal, and easily removed
  • Display is almost as beautiful as me
  • SD storage options have returned
  • Battery exists, unlike the S6 Edge’s
  • My dick pics have never looked better





  • The Edge functionality is still useless at best



Wait… That’s it? Article over? This is basically the greatest phone ever?




No. Fuck no.

Yes, this phone is technically great. But when the fuck have numbers on a spreadsheet factored into your purchasing decisions? Or even bullet-pointed lists?

As an example, take that list I wrote in the Pros section — 10:1 that half of you just skimmed that. And why? Cuz it didn’t matter in the long run, did it? Same applies to the S7.

The issue here is that nothing about this phone is special. There is no unique feature, no reason to brag to your friends that you just spent close to a grand on a useless hunk of plastic — nothing. So then what’s the point of a status symbol if it doesn’t bring any status?

About the same as watching Date-A-Live for any reason other than this.

About the same as watching Date-A-Live for any reason other than her.

Mediocrity incarnate, the S7 may as well just be another forgettable slice-of-life anime. It’ll probably appeal to that same lobotomized demographic who don’t need flashy gimmicks to justify their interest.

I will never forgive what happened to Milky Holmes.

I will never forgive the slice-of-lifers for ruining Milky Holmes. ;_;


Overall rating: 5/10

(Though don’t take this as an endorsement of the iPhone — unless you’re over 60 or under 6, you’re probably not the target market for that playmobil bullshit.)


Okay, filler article done. Expect a Sakuracon hype post when I wake up, cuz, uh… it’s gonna be a hype con. ._.

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jimmy says:

The garbage characters and truly autistic humour style of Milky Holmes ruined Milky Holmes. I saw the movie in cinemas after spending $500 plus getting an extra day off work, changing flights and booking an extra night in my hotel when I found out I’d miss it otherwise, and this masochism through gross extravagance was all that made the otherwise shitty movie mildly enjoyable.

dood says:

>My dick pics have never looked better

What dick?????

Calyrica says:

Can back D_S up. He has one.

Dark_Sage says:

Fuck. Outed.

Dark_Sage says:

Oh, uh… I mean, clit pics. That’s a thing, right?

moron says:

jesus christ why do you keep buying phones
they’re all awful

Dark_Sage says:

But are there better selfie machines?

anony says:

You should always have a couple of artists following you around, ready to paint your picture in watercolors or charcoal.

You know, like those french girls.

Anonymous says:

This phone’s screen is God tier though. It deserves more than a 5/10 just for that.

800nits brightness for a mobile is insane, and perfect blacks.

Dark_Sage says:

It looks pretty fucking nice, yes. (Oh god does it look nice.) But a sweet screen doesn’t give me an ego stiffy, so the 5/10 stays.

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