Anime Merchandise Review 01

Article, Buyfaggery, Conventions — By on December 29, 2014 1:19 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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In this first anime merchandise review (of a planned 100-part series), Dark_Sage takes a look at some popular products you may encounter at anime cons.

Drink Coasters:


Purpose: Protect your desk from your whiskey

Verdict: Waste of money

The ones I’ve bought (pictured above) have been awful. Since they’re made of spongy material, your drinks will bounce when you set them down… and having a white background does no good when your drink spills. You shouldn’t need to have a coaster for your coaster.

It's hard to look cool when your coaster malfunctions.

Don’t believe anime; there’s nothing cool about stains, even if you have a cape.




Purpose: Listen to music in -style-

Verdict: Waste of money

All officially branded headphones on the market have a build quality that could only complement anorexics.

I've got a pair of these and they are not what I'd describe as comfortable.

I’ve got a pair of these and they are not what I’d describe as comfortable.

And generic “anime” headphones are, well…

I’m so sorry you had to see that. They retail for $170 each, by the way. Expect to see them an abundance of them on the heads of those knife magnets who like to blast caramelldansen on con escalators.





Purpose: Put as many of these onto a $10 messenger bag as you can to let people know that you probably didn’t take a shower today

Verdict: Excellent purchase

Much like honey bees and tigers have bright colors to keep others from attacking them, overloaded messenger bags provide even the most beer-goggled congoer with sufficient warning to stay away. The hambeasts and greasy products of incest who rock these may never know the service to humanity they provide, but the sheer amount of morning-after regret they’ve prevented cannot be overstated.

I guarantee this girl smells like straw.

I guarantee this girl smells like straw.

God bless those heroes who sell these at cons, as well as those who buy them. For without their selflessness, I’d need to stay sober.



Naruto Headbands:

Purpose: Display clan allegiance and protect your forehead from projectiles

Verdict: Excellent purchase

Form and function all in one. Only an idiot wouldn’t want one of these.


The headband in action. You’d have to try really hard to not look this cool.




Yes buy: Naruto headbands, pins/buttons

No buy: Headphones, drink coasters

If there’s any other merch you’d like to see reviewed, please let me know. Fansubbing’s in decline, so I’m staking Crymore’s future on this series.

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Hairy says:

Onahole reviews, please.

Kamica says:

Shouldn’t this be labeled as “001” if it were to theoretically become a 100 part series?

Apeiron says:

Unless he does a “prequel” post with 00 and stops at 99. Would be a total of 100 parts that way.

Dark_Sage says:

This is totally what I meant. Suck it, Kamica!

Anonymous says:

>If there’s any other merch you’d like to see reviewed,
Everything you own. No jokes.

HarleyGorillason says:

Scandinavian karaoke machines.

returnity says:

Tiny fansubber-size micropenis replica dildos.

Animu-branded loli plastivag replicas for use with IRL fansubber micropenii.

Eternal_Blizzard says:

I can imagine the popular nicks that will be used as the “model” bases for those micropeen replicas.

Anony says:

The obvious two:
Dakis (please review the stuffing too, it’s important.)
Oppaipads (bendiness, softness and stain resistance)

slackzy says:

Lol, stain resistance.
You should load test it too.

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