Dark_Sage’s Onahole Review – Episode 01: Et tu, Chu!?

Article — By on October 6, 2017 1:02 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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When customs asked what I was bringing back from Tokyo, I lied and said Pokemon cards. Glad I looked cool enough to pull that one off.

 

Pre-Review (“But why?”)

While drunkposting on Twitter one night, I promised my tens of followers that I’d review as many onaholes as $500 could buy me in Japan. Unfortunately, I blew all that money on lewd anime card sleeves, so my cocksleeve budget suffered.

Worth it? Maybe not.

Still, I had exactly enough hundred-yen coins left to roll the onahole gacha at Tora no Ana, so here we go.

 

 

Post-Pre-Review

OnaHole Specs:

  • Orange
  • “Single use”
  • Type 3 (of four)
  • No new vagina smell

 

Doujin Pairings:

 

Music Pairings:

 

Food & Drink Pairings:

  • [1 bottle] Blue Point Hoptical Illusion
  • [1 bottle] Stone Ghost Hammer IPA
  • [275 mL] Sailor Jerry’s Spiced Rum
  • [1/2 can] Coca-Cola Vanilla
  • [1/2 bag] Old Dutch Blue Corn Chips

 

 

“Review”

Upsides:

  • With the assistance of an onahole, you don’t need to worry about any Old Dutch salt touching your salty old dutchman
  • I think this thing is made with the same material as a stress ball, so it’s 100% work safe
  • 400 yen msrp, or 300 yen if you can find a gacha dispenser
  • Kinda chewy

 

Downsides:

  • While the onahole boasts the benefits of its suction cups, I am not aware of any 3D women with octopus vaginas, so its use as a training partner is rather limited
  • When you want to reuse it, you have to literally squeeze the lube, sweat, and semen into your sink, which is not very 21st century
  • My dick started burning like it was infested with urethral fire ants after my third go at it – I think I gave myself an STD

 

 

Overall Rating:

2 vaginal depth markers out of 12. Sad.

 

If you really wanted to incompetently fuck some unfeeling cum dumpster, just find a real girl. If your primary goal is instead disappointment play, I must wholeheartedly suggest Crymore’s rss feed.

For all other purposes, watch the new Kino’s Journey — it just started airing today, and I can guarantee it is almost as perfect as I am.

Kino is love, Kino is life.



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13 Comments

Hairy says:

Aren’t you as scared as I am that they’re gonna botch Kino’s Journey badly and ruin it?

Dark_Sage says:

The new Kino’s Journey was already “ruined” by the fact that very few people are going to reach the halfway point naturally. Even then, I think Lerche is capable enough of adapting source material that the series will be reinvigorated by our newfriends, even if it won’t necessarily be as impactful as it was for us.

Ultimately, Kino no Tabi is about the journey, and I imagine it would be difficult to completely usurp that without a concerted effort, which I am certain Japan is incapable of.

CR kinda half-assed it with the subs. Maybe worth an officialsub review?

Dark_Sage says:

Too lazy for torrents and Crunchyroll is dead (as usual).

Definitely wouldn’t be surprised it sucks if they gave it to that brainless fucking retard who translated Classroom of the Elite like it was for a middle school creative writing class.

lazy_sysadmin // 1337_H4x0R_G0d says:

I read this shit at work instead of doing my job and I think this is your funniest post to date.

Your blog posts are always 30/10

moron says:

this is gross

Dark_Sage says:

You’re just jelly I got pussy in Japan.

anony says:

My october is looking up. Got my whole country banned from 4chan, D_S makes a post and gonna get me a new loli soon.

anony says:

That single use warning label wasn’t there for nothing, though.

Dark_Sage says:

I think my dick is donezo, for real.

Calyrica says:

Please tell me we aren’t using lewd sleeves at the next mtg prerelease…

yuko says:

>MTG
Play the digital version of mtg with anime titties and waifus.

NoctisCuadro says:

After two months all we get is a review for a cheap single use onahole…
That’s why I always come back here. Quality content.

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