As a white, virgin male, it is my duty and privilege to dedicate myself to stamping out the system of inequality and oppression that is known as sexuality. So when I noticed the video game Dragon’s Crown had female characters displaying those disgusting sexual appendages known as “breasts”, I knew I had to speak up.
Because if men don’t speak for women, who will?
Framing the Problem
For those of you who haven’t been enlightened by the brainiacs at NeoGaf, reddit, and SomethingAwful (yes, that site still exists, you male fascists), Dragon’s Crown (a Japanese game) is the worst video game to have ever been created in the history of ever. This is because the western video game industry has a known anti-female problem that was literally caused by Japan. No, I don’t need evidence because what I say so is fact because I said so.
Japan’s yoke is heavy on my back indeed. I’m going to need reparations for this.
Dragon’s Crown? More like “Dragon’s Sexism”
But if my eloquent writing hasn’t already convinced you that Dragon’s Crown is evil, perhaps these visual aids will.
According to Dragon’s Crown, women are sex objects.
While men are never.
See, I know that women aren’t attracted to musclebound brutes or the quick of wit. That’s what men are attracted to. Nay, women are attracted to those with softer souls who have never known a day’s labor harder than studying for that one test in Game Journalism Ethics 101. (I’d go out and prove this, but I’m saving myself for marriage.)
And that’s why George Kamitami (that slant-eyed 14-year-old creeper) is a disgusting monstrosity. Because he obviously doesn’t know women as well as I do.
Okay, now that we’ve got the facts out of the way, let’s continue onto more of my deeply philosophical and intellectual criticisms of the game…’s character designs. Because everyone knows that’s the only thing that matters.
It’s not art if I don’t like it
Now, I’m not easily offended, but boy did this offend me. I mean, this game is practically forcing me to fuck it. As feminism’s self-appointed representative, I do feel that I need rape counseling now. I feel so taken advantage of.
Does anyone else understand the true pain of rape like I do? Gosh, it’s so difficult. I need comfort. :(
Wait, I’ve got it! I’ll just read more of my own writing. That’ll cheer me up. ^_^ So without further ado…
I mean, Vanillaware is Usually Great About This!
Trust me, I’m nothing if not consistent. So please don’t suggest that I’m currently only bitching about Dragon’s Crown because white knighting dumb tumblr slags in a vain, demeaning, and overly obvious attempt to get laid is the flavor of the month in the game journalism community. I truly love Vanillaware’s art and Japanese games in general usually!
Honestly, I don’t even see these as women even. Who would ever call these girls sexualized? Not me, or I’d have blogged about it already!
So trust me when I say this is a very new issue that we need to stamp out immediately. Or, wait, did I say earlier it was an older one? Oh, who cares, reality doesn’t matter in the face of my feelings. I’m an important individual, I’ll have you know! I mean, just check out how many hits
my my boss’s blog gets. Who needs reality for validation?
Don’t flaunt your sexuality
Let’s be clear, I don’t have a problem with women having breasts — it’s not their fault that female figures are inherently disgusting. I just have problems with them being visible.
So after much thought, I’ve come to the decision that covering these women up is the only way to combat sexism.
Look, I’m not a censor, but maybe this game should be censored. I’m not asking for much — just for the women to be completely clothed from head to toe.
We all know the female form is disgusting and the only way to prevent enlightened individuals such as myself from vomiting upon the sight of a female’s skin is to have the game’s makers kowtow to my completely reasonable demands.
After all, gender equality means if something doesn’t cater specifically to me, it shouldn’t exist.