As I was jacking off to Kino no Tabi this afternoon, I found myself in a cum-coma induced bout of inspiration: What if anime quality could be objectively quantified? And what if that formula could be compiled in under 10 minutes cuz tbh I have shit to get done today?
As determined over the course of consuming a bowl of post-fap ramen (thank you, based Maruchan), the perfect anime:
- Takes place in a unique, tryhard environment
- Note that it cannot take place in a “high fantasy” setting, because that’s popular and all popular things are bad
- Indirectly critiques modern society in the least subtle means possible
- Is adventure-based cuz a scattershot approach to world-building is easiest
- Thinks a whole fucking lot of itself
The following five series fit the formula.
Five Perfect Shows
Kino no Tabi (Kino’s Journey)
If you were forced to read Calvino in middle school too, this is essentially a tolerable version of Invisible Cities. To put it less pretentiously, shit is episodic & the titular Kino travels to vastly different places in each arc.
Each place Kino travels to has a moral it will beat you over the head with until you meekly accept this is simply how it has to be. For example, when Kino travels to the Land of Direct Democracy, she finds only one person left because all the citizens gradually voted to kill off problematic groups. Turns out that once you start one purge, more will follow. Huh.
Kino no Tabi is the perfect show to watch if you want to be told how to think, but also don’t want to be told anything new.
Shinsekai Yori (From the New World)
Shinsekai Yori proves definitively that with a big enough background budget, you can get away with compiling your cast of main characters from a dump heap.
Every time you get an intriguing shot of a forest, village architecture, or a bloodstained psychotrip of whatever the fuck, it’ll almost allow you to forget that there are children in the show yet to be strangled.
Jinrui wa Suitai Shimashita (Humanity Has Declined)
It’s genki af.
Know how in Final Fantasy XII, everything about the two main characters sucked, but everyone else was fucking awesome? Welcome to Last Exile.
Still, XII managed to be the best Final Fantasy, much like Last Exile is the best steampunk anime. Never mind that the competition for both was Special Olympics-tier.
I don’t remember shit about Ergo Proxy other than that it was dark, and I doubt you do either. Dystopian, psychological, gritty, & evanescent. …Or uhh, reminiscent of Evanescence? Fuck.
Whatever, those buzzwords doing anything for ya? Cuz if not, I’m afraid I ain’t got shit left.
Well, how’d my criteria work out? Fucking perfect, huh? Good thing none of this applies to anicancer like Rolling Girls, Fractale, Kamisama no Inai Nichiyoubi, Shangri-La, or Galilei Donna. Boy would that fuck with this post’s premise.