Anime Review: Hyper Speed Grandoll

Anime Opinions, Article — By on October 25, 2011 3:56 am

This post was written by Calyrica. She is not Dark_Sage.

This weekend, Dark_Sage and I were charged with an extremely important task. We had to find the worst OVA ever made and sit through the dub of it. After spending quite a long time going through his collection of DVDs, we decided upon an old JC Staff masterpiece: Hyper Speed GranDoll.

This three episode OVA had all of the required anime cliches. Hikaru was the big-eyed, pink-haired, clumsy moe protagonist, who had no clue about anything going on. She spent the entire anime squeeing, “Fab, fab, fab!” about pretty much everything, including her beloved “Senior Narukami!~” (Because yes, apparently people run around crying, “Senior! I love you, Senior!”)

Then we had the hot, emo blue-haired chick, and Dark_Sage and I both decided we’d definitely not say no to hitting that. She infiltrated Hikaru’s school in order to get the Holy Armor or some shit, but then became friends with Hikaru, in typical cheesy anime style. They shared a bath, so we got to see her nice, full boobs, and after they cuddled in the bath, they both retired to Hikaru’s bed to pine after the guys they liked. Also in stereotypical cheesy anime style, right?

The best part of this anime, though, was by far the epileptic fits it must have caused. All of the action scenes were accompanied by massive amounts of flashing lights and giant explosions that flashed and attacks that involved strobe lights and… Well, you get the idea. We actually examined the back of the DVD case to check, and there was not, in fact, an epilepsy warning printed on it. I can guarantee that this OVA must have caused some seizures.

Another great moment was the dramatic reveal that Hikaru was actually a princess from an alien planet adopted by Earthlings. (Yes. This was a major plot development.) Her parents give this very emotionally delivered few lines on this subject, to which Hikaru replies, “I know, guys.” Because of course, right? Of fucking course.

The ending song includes the precursor to typesetting and karaoke. I suppose that in 1997, Aegisub was fairly primitive. The title “Hyper Speed GranDoll” appears on the screen and shakes and jitters and changes colours. It looks quite professional. I shall devote the next 30 seconds of my time figuring out how to do this:

Comment: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,code once,colour = {“&H111111&”, “&H333333&”, “&H444444&”, “&H222222&”, “&H555555&”, “&H666666&”}
Comment: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,template syl,!retime(“sylpct”,0,10)!{move($x,$y,!$x+2!,$y)t(c!(colour[1])!)}
Comment: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,template syl,!retime(“sylpct”,10,20)!{move(!$x+2!,$y,!$x-1!,!$y-2!)c!(colour[1])!t(c!(colour[2])!)}
Comment: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,template syl,!retime(“sylpct”,20,30)!{move(!$x-1!,!$y-2!,!$x+1!,!$y+1!)c!(colour[2])!t(c!(colour[3])!)}

Do I really need to continue? The translation and dub are pretty laughable, too. I’m pretty sure half of the random schoolgirls were voiced by men talking in falsetto. Hikaru’s “Fab, fab, fab!” is actually the best editing done on the entire script, too. There are also gems like, “We just need to retrieve that, you know, that thingie,” and, “Manga shmanga!” Anyway, I really really don’t want to go on any more about this.

Verdict: Perfect date OVA, because it’s a great excuse for saying, “Screw this. Let’s make out.” (May or may not have actually happened.)

~ Caly

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Chojenoe says:

I’m sure some people out there, even if they are in the hospital from seizures, enjoyed this ova to some extent. I mean, even if it was worthless trash only meant for ridicule by Caly and D_S, then it has served at least some purpose. XD

Klownzie says:

This is the worst OVA ever? Clearly you haven’t watched Mars of Destruction. The characters from this OVA at least have names…

animegio says:

I was gonna mention that one too. But MoD doesn’t have a dub, afaik.

baka gaijin says:

JC Staff, making shitty anime since 1986.

lygerzero0zero says:

Aren’t all those colors shades of gray?

Calyrica says:

I just picked random hex values to show the point.

Derp says:

So you guys are reviewing bad anime to make fun of them? That’s actually pretty funny.

You should review Madoka next then.

wakuwaku says:

Clearly u guys haven looked around hard enough, like the mentioned above MoD, among others, i know a few too. no point doing this if u cant do a good job of it…go back to reviewing fansubs

janice says:

What does this even mean? I thought it was a good review.

Zalis says:

The CPM back catalogue has no shortage of crappy OVAs. I thought the subbed version of Grandoll was bad enough (not helped by the semi-dubtitling), so I can’t even imagine the dub. And I’m not even a dub-hater.

kyonyUU says:

Caly, you’re just jelly cuz your boobs aren’t as big. You mad?

Sean says:

I’ve long held that more than a handful is redundant.

kyonyUU says:

Are these hands that have tremendous grip strength because of all the fap?

ThumperZ1 says:

Yes! :D

The Moondoggie says:

Meh, total haters above. I did enjoy Grandoll when it was aired in my country as a two part anime special. Those were the times of Trigun, Gundam G, and Yuyu Hakusho…

Of course it was dubbed to my country’s language.

And as for flashy light effects in a fight scene, Guilty Crown is “regretfully the King”(pun intended).

Fleshy.. err… Flashy anime isn’t bad.

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