HuniePop Review: If Jesus Christ came back this is the kinda game we’d stroke each other’s dicks to

Article, Video Games — By Dark_Sage on January 26, 2015 7:14 pm

Damn do I love me some Huniepop.

Heads-up: If you start clicking the spoilers at the end of the review, it’s gonna get real NSFW, real quick. So make sure to only read this post with parental supervision.

 

The premise

You’re a forever alone [boy/girl] who starts the game by creeping on some chick in a bar.

But instead of drying her crotch up with your awkwardness, your pathetic attempt at human interaction inspires her to put on a fairy outfit and become your personal dating adviser (and potential lover, ofc).

It gets fun.

 

 

The script/voice acting

This is the star of the show. It’s like watching the Panty & Stocking dub. Sorta.

Unfortunately, after the spectacular intro scenes, the sole character interaction is between you and the girls. And while they do expand upon the girls’ personalities from the introduction, the short interactions don’t stand on their own.

Kinda sucks, cuz you can tell the characters are more interesting than they’re given the opportunity to be.

 

 

The problem (the gameplay)

Huniepop is probably the most difficult match-3 game to ever exist.

When I set the difficulty of a game down to easy, I expect it to be easy. I don’t expect to spend hour after hour trapped in a maze of frustration, just so I can see some fucking anime tits. The gameplay is a complete cockblock.

Sure. Maybe I suck, but maybe I shouldn’t have to spend 20 hours on a 5-hour game. And maybe the people who play this for the deep gameplay could fuck off so I can get off. I just wish this was a straight dating sim so I didn’t have to deal with the puzzle bullshit.

Now, to Huniepop’s credit, it was pretty damn enjoyable when I wasn’t spinning my wheels. To illustrate that, have a video where I ended up spinning my wheels:

Maybe a “retard’s first vidya” setting next time, guys?

 

 

The best girls, ranked (obv the most important part of the game)

Remember how I said at the start of the review that things were gonna get NSFW? Well, the uncensored CGs are in the spoilers. And please, for the love of your god, if you get off to this… make sure to think of me. I can get jealous sometimes. <3

1. Kyanna

UrbanDictionary puts it better than I ever could.

 

2. Audrey

Complete and utter bitch. But she let me cum on her hair, so I know our love is true.

 

3. Nikki

Nikki’s that girl who constantly bitches about how bitchy everyone but she is. That lack of self-awareness… what a fucking aphrodisiac. And I don’t have to deal with her bullshit out of game? Even better.

 

4. Kyu

A love fairy who calls her butt plug “fairy tail”?

 

5. Aiko

She called me racist after I gave her chopsticks. Sold. <3

 

6. Lola

“I sure like to travel and go on fancy vacations.”

Find someone who can afford you then. Still have her at number 6, cuz she’s way kawaii.

 

7. Beli

Fuck you, Beli. You were the first girl I wanted to go after, but I kept failing your fucking dates so you ended up being the last one. And yes, I am putting this all on you. Lower your fucking standards, bitch.

 

8. Jessie

She’s 36, but still called me daddy. Goddamn, is she great.

 

9. Celeste

Nipple clamps can be cool.

 

10. Tiffany

If you tend to order “plain cheese” pizza or a “hamburger with nothing on it”, you’re boring enough to be interested in Tiffany.

 

11. Venus

Don’t let the CG fool ya, this girl doesn’t even have enough personality to pull apathetic off. Disappointed.

 

12. Momo

While her second CG is the best in the game, Momo is such an annoying bitch I began praying for an option to strangle her with her chain so she would stop whinging at me with her fucking broken voice. All she does is go on and on about her fucking cat facts.

Have a sample of the shit I had to put up with:

No, I don’t know anything about kitties, and I don’t care. Unsubscribe.

 

 

The conclusion

Yes, I recommend this game. Highly, even.

 

It’s $10 on Steam, via the HumbleWidget on the Huniepop site, or MangaGamer. The Steam version is censored, whereas the latter two are uncensored, DRM free, and come with Steam codes.

But if you wanna play the uncensored version on Steam (like I did with Nekopara), all you need to do is drop this 0-byte file (right-click, save as) in your Steam installation folder.

I’ve been told running the DRM-free version just once will uncensor the game on Steam, but that seems a bit too magical to actually work.

Tags: Article, Huniepop, Video Games