HuniePop Review: If Jesus Christ came back this is the kinda game we’d stroke each other’s dicks to

Article, Video Games — By on January 26, 2015 7:14 pm

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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Damn do I love me some Huniepop.

Heads-up: If you start clicking the spoilers at the end of the review, it’s gonna get real NSFW, real quick. So make sure to only read this post with parental supervision.


The premise

You’re a forever alone [boy/girl] who starts the game by creeping on some chick in a bar.

HuniePop - Hello

But instead of drying her crotch up with your awkwardness, your pathetic attempt at human interaction inspires her to put on a fairy outfit and become your personal dating adviser (and potential lover, ofc).

HuniePop - Define Date

HuniePop - Fairy-chan

It gets fun.



The script/voice acting

This is the star of the show. It’s like watching the Panty & Stocking dub. Sorta.

Unfortunately, after the spectacular intro scenes, the sole character interaction is between you and the girls. And while they do expand upon the girls’ personalities from the introduction, the short interactions don’t stand on their own.

The dialogue's fun. But I want *more* fun.

The dialogue’s fun. But I want *more* fun.

Kinda sucks, cuz you can tell the characters are more interesting than they’re given the opportunity to be.



The problem (the gameplay)

Huniepop is probably the most difficult match-3 game to ever exist.

No it's not all right! Fuck!

No, it’s not alright! Fuck!

When I set the difficulty of a game down to easy, I expect it to be easy. I don’t expect to spend hour after hour trapped in a maze of frustration, just so I can see some fucking anime tits. The gameplay is a complete cockblock.

Not as bad as Misty, though. Blocking cocks since '96.

Must’ve been taking pointers from the cunt queen of ’97.

Sure. Maybe I suck, but maybe I shouldn’t have to spend 20 hours on a 5-hour game. And maybe the people who play this for the deep gameplay could fuck off so I can get off. I just wish this was a straight dating sim so I didn’t have to deal with the puzzle bullshit.

Now, to Huniepop’s credit, it was pretty damn enjoyable when I wasn’t spinning my wheels. To illustrate that, have a video where I ended up spinning my wheels:

Maybe a “retard’s first vidya” setting next time, guys?



The best girls, ranked (obv the most important part of the game)

Remember how I said at the start of the review that things were gonna get NSFW? Well, the uncensored CGs are in the spoilers. And please, for the love of your god, if you get off to this… make sure to think of me. I can get jealous sometimes. <3

1. Kyanna


UrbanDictionary puts it better than I ever could.

Kyanna_1 Kyanna_2


Huniepop_CG_-_Kyanna_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Kyanna_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Kyanna_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Kyanna_04b


2. Audrey


Complete and utter bitch. But she let me cum on her hair, so I know our love is true.


Huniepop_CG_-_Audrey_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Audrey_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Audrey_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Audrey_04b


3. Nikki


Nikki’s that girl who constantly bitches about how bitchy everyone but she is. That lack of self-awareness… what a fucking aphrodisiac. And I don’t have to deal with her bullshit out of game? Even better.


Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Nikki_04d


4. Kyu


A love fairy who calls her butt plug “fairy tail”?

My kinda girl.

My kinda girl.


Huniepop_CG_-_Kyu_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Kyu_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Kyu_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Kyu_04b


5. Aiko


She called me racist after I gave her chopsticks. Sold. <3


Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Aiko_04d


6. Lola


“I sure like to travel and go on fancy vacations.”

Find someone who can afford you then. Still have her at number 6, cuz she’s way kawaii.



Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Lola_04d


7. Beli


Fuck you, Beli. You were the first girl I wanted to go after, but I kept failing your fucking dates so you ended up being the last one. And yes, I am putting this all on you. Lower your fucking standards, bitch.


Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Beli_04d


8. Jessie


She’s 36, but still called me daddy. Goddamn, is she great.


Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Jessie_04d


9. Celeste


Nipple clamps can be cool.


Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Celeste_04d


10. Tiffany


If you tend to order “plain cheese” pizza or a “hamburger with nothing on it”, you’re boring enough to be interested in Tiffany.


Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Tiffany_04d


11. Venus


Don’t let the CG fool ya, this girl doesn’t even have enough personality to pull apathetic off. Disappointed.


Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Venus_04d


12. Momo


While her second CG is the best in the game, Momo is such an annoying bitch I began praying for an option to strangle her with her chain so she would stop whinging at me with her fucking broken voice. All she does is go on and on about her fucking cat facts.

Have a sample of the shit I had to put up with:

No, I don’t know anything about kitties, and I don’t care. Unsubscribe.


Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_02 Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_03 Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_04a Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_04b Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_04c Huniepop_CG_-_Momo_04d



The conclusion


Yes, I recommend this game. Highly, even.


It’s $10 on Steam, via the HumbleWidget on the Huniepop site, or MangaGamer. The Steam version is censored, whereas the latter two are uncensored, DRM free, and come with Steam codes.

But if you wanna play the uncensored version on Steam (like I did with Nekopara), all you need to do is drop this 0-byte file (right-click, save as) in your Steam installation folder.


I’ve been told running the DRM-free version just once will uncensor the game on Steam, but that seems a bit too magical to actually work.

Tags: , ,


MK says:

Every right handed [male] mouse user became left handed during this review.

Anon says:

Being left-handed but using mice right-handed is so great.

MK says:

Had a feeling that might *cum* up.

PP says:

That fucking Momo voice, kill self, pls.
This also reminded me of another dating game I saw on VNDB not long but I can’t remember for the life of me which it was.

PP says:

Actually, found it:
Haven’t played it though.

RevyRevolver says:

*Thinks of D_S*

Calyrica says:

Nnnngh. Match 3 games are my weakness. Please say it’s not PC-only!

Anon says:

Looks like Windows, Mac, and Linux support, according to the Steam page.

Calyrica says:

Say goodbye to my productivity at work!

jenny says:

why does the hair keep changing? Audrey’s original hair is best but it changes to short blonde and then long red. Confusing.

Dark_Sage says:

You can dress the girls up in-game. Guess in the CGs they just wanted to reflect some of the options. Here’s all the choices for Audrey:

sandoe41 says:

DLing now, will check back in later (if I’m still alive, lol)

rakko says:

Your taste is shit, Beli is the best.

RevyRevolver says:

Nuuu! Nikki is BEST girl!

Drong says:

Kyu is getting a new CG for valentines

Ephemere says:

To be honest, I found the game’s difficulty to be rather balanced (even on Hard) until really late in the game. You reach a point where the speed matching becomes impossible, since your score degrades at a rate that would require something like 3 matches a second to overcome. But up until then, if you skill properly and approach each match with the correct mindset and items, you should be able to get through it even on hard difficulty.

Levi says:

Yeah, I can see why you were gunning for that chain option.

Saturnoy says:

Kamisama 2 – commie x anime koi, please >….<

Dark_Sage says:

Another video game review? Okay.

Saturnoy says:

no, it’s anime, but for video game review i want Long Live the Queen.>…..<

Period says:

You want onahole reviews? I’m interested in some too.

jenny says:

I second onahole reviews

TotallyNotGovna says:

I expect you to get on it.

RevyRevolver says:

Still waiting for those furry doujins….

jenny says:

I’m a busy girl.

Anonymous says:

Please this. I want to buy one but I need someone to tell me what’s good.

Pls, D_S.

Dark_Sage says:

We talking like different brands here? This could get expensive. I’d almost need to Kickstarter it.

Anonymous says:

This is coming from the guy who is buying a second home so he has place to store all his buyfag stuff. RHE must’ve rubbed off on you, D_S!

mints says:

It’s called “frot”.

Dark_Sage says:

Gross. Can you even imagine? It’d be so hard to play the game together that way.

No, I was thinking me and Jesus sitting side by side, Jesus taking the (mouse) wheel with his right hand, stroking my dick with his left, and then me stroking his dick with my right, and texting how hashtag swag this is with my left. This way we could enjoy the game together (and actually watch/play it) in a rather sensible manner.

Meganesuki says:

Nekopara Link brings up a 404

Dark_Sage says:

I… wow, how did I fuck that one up? Thanks. Fix’d.

Meganesuki says:

And now it loops back to this post. Good job, Drunk_sage!

Dark_Sage says:

I have no excuse. God damn. ._.

Qrius says:

That’s what happens when you delete posts in a hurry…

PP says:

Speaking of deleting posts, I caught a glimpse of that Youtube review, get jealous.

Qrius says:

A glimpse? Wish I had caught only a glimpse too. Those precious ~15 minutes of my life are never coming back – not to speak of the hours of therapy I’m gonna need if I ever want to forget the experience…

Anonymous says:

Please link, please.

PP says:

How much are you offering?

Qrius says:

Don’t tease that poor anon, the vid’s long gone.

(I do have that post archived, though.)

Anonymous says:

At least tell me what the video was about!

Dark_Sage says:

Western kusoge. (It was Japanese, but still.)

Dark_Sage says:

Well it was valuable feedback, and thank you for your candid response. My ego got ahead of my common sense and that particular mistake won’t happen again.

Qrius says:

It certainly was an interesting way to spice things up… Would’ve been better (?) if you lowered the background volume in the parts with you speaking.

PP says:

Indeed, I was going to comment on this before the post was deleted, pretty obvious you never did it before too, and making videos isn’t something you’re naturally good at, wouldn’t really recommend switching things up now either.

Qrius says:

>implying there are things D_S isn’t naturally good at

B-blasphemy! :)

Bobopedic says:

Hey D_S Are you going to add Kyu’s New valentines day update CG? Please do it they aren’t anywhere online and lest face it nobody buys this game for the Puzzles

KoolKidsK says:

I didn’t like Huniepop. Probably because I expected an actual VN with like, plot and stuff.

There is no actual plot, character development or satisfying backstory. Talking to the heroines is just a simple Q&A that 1) gets old quickly, and 2) loses all purpose besides filling out each girl’s details page (assuming it contributes to the 100% completion) once you get enough hunie to buy all the upgrades.

The “realistic” writing got old after the first hour or so. The CGs were kinda hit and miss for me. Further on the topic of CGs, they had no satisfying context behind them–no important plot point or reason behind them other than “great, you were able to beat the game, here’s some (sometimes shitily drawn) porn/a drawing.”

Anyway, that’s just what I thought of it, but it’s really my fault since this entire time (since the huniepop writing video first came out) I was expecting a vn.

By the way, was there a point in getting all the girls’ panties in your inventory? What about the tissue box? I didn’t know what to do with them.

Oh, and 10/10 taste. Kyanna best girl.

I may or may not just be saying this because Hispanic girls best girls. Also totally not a hoop earring fetish.
Eric Beverly says:

I haven’t played the game, but I’ve seen enough gameplay to know that Kyu and Tiffany are my favorite girls out of the twelve, both of them have such cute voices and Kyu is a very naughty and horny fairy, which would allow me to get along with her so well because I’m very naughty and horny all the time too. Tiffany is a adorable and innocent school girl and love when she says: “what’s shakin’ bacon?” And “Hey you!” She also has a very nice shaved pussy, Kyu too.

Dark_Sage says:

Good to know.

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