God help us all.
How these convention intervention posts work is that I’ll go through the good, the bad, and the weeb about a convention. But fuck that, man. Fuck AniRevo. Fuck everything about this horrible weekend that I spent in Vancouver.
There are no redeeming qualities about AniRevo 2015. I looked deep into my soul to find a single one. I double-checked the schedule, I scoured every single inch of the convention center to find something, anything good about this convention. Because I want to like AniRevo. I want to say it’s a good convention.
But it’s not.
It’s fucking terrible.
Here’s my dilemma, though; I hate writing negative posts. While posts where I bitch and whine about a convention are fun for people to read, they are certainly not fun for me to write. I’ll eventually write a more in-depth, thoughtful post about AniRevo over on my own blog, Freezefla.me, but it’s 9pm on the last day of the convention and I want to end this trip on a high note. I want to write something uplifting.
So I’m going to share with you all the best thing that happened to me at the convention.
BAE CAUGHT ME SLIPPIN
It’s Sunday at 3:30. Dark_Sage, shcboomer, Rekyu, and I have just come back to our hotel room after giving up on the convention proper. Sure, the last panel that we went to was mildly interesting, but I didn’t spend 700 dollars to go to one panel that lasted 50 minutes. We’re all super bummed out and doing some deep introspection. Where did we go wrong?
Surely it’s not our fault. It can’t be our fault. That’s literally impossible, because we’re perfect in every sense of the word. That’s right, it’s the convention’s fault. It’s AniRevo’s fault for being so terrible. HallwayCon is not a good convention, because NOTHING happens in hallways. And AniRevo is no different. There’s nothing at AniRevo.
Side note: here’s a life hack to help you identify if a convention is good or not. Go to twitter and see how many hashtags people are using to talk about the convention. If the number is anything higher than 1, it’s a terrible convention. In fact, the number of tags used is inversely proportional to how good the convention actually is. Sakuracon? Literally just #Sakuracon. AniRevo? #AniRevo, #AniRev, #AR, #AR15… the list goes on and on, and that’s not a good thing.
Anyway, back to the story. I’m down on my luck, having just lost faith in the world and my ability to spend money on good things. And then I see it.
The holy grail.
The saving grace of this weekend.
Now, it’s not like I hadn’t been sleeping on beds prior to this. In fact, the hotel we were at on the previous nights was pretty swank. But last night I only got around five hours of sleep after playing Smash Bros. until 5AM, and my body was running on empty. The only food we had was the terrible pulled pork sandwiches at the maid cafe, which were not filling and not tasty. (God, AniRevo. Can’t even do pulled pork right.)
So you’re me, you’re tired and hungry as hell, and you see a bed. What do you do? You take a fucking nap, that’s what. Because fuck yeah, we’re adults and we take naps.
This nap was amazing. It was the holy grail of naps. It was as if Jesus himself came down upon my weary mind, said “It’s okay, child. You may rest now.”, gave me the best blowjob of my life*, and then put me to bed like a newborn fawn in the picturesque forests of Bambi. It was as if someone shot me with a tranquilizer dart, but instead of throwing me into the human trafficking industry, created a bed of flowers and laid me to rest. It was as if my waifu proclaimed her love to me in my dreams, and my body was overwhelmed with joy and happiness as it succumbed to the pillowy depths of the mattress.**
* I’m not gay.
** I don’t have a waifu.
In retrospect, this bed wasn’t the best bed. Like, I’m laying down on it right now as I write up this article. And it’s not that great. The sheets aren’t exactly comfortable. The mattress isn’t as soft as some of the beds I’ve slept on. But man, when you’re super tired and super bummed about the abysmal convention that you just went to, anything will do. You know how 7-11 pizzas taste amazing at 3AM when there’s nowhere else open? It’s kinda of the same principle.
And in this case, my 7-11 pizza was the double bed on the 18th floor of the Vancouver Mariott.
I can say without a doubt that Bed-chan was the best thing to happen to me during this trip. Like, Bed-chan is mai waifu.*** I’d marry Bed-chan. I’d take Bed-chan out for dinner and a movie. And not like a bad movie, too. A good movie. The Terminator or some shit, ’cause everybody likes The Terminator. Not any of the sequels, though. Fuck the sequels. Fuck Terminator 2 and Terminator 3. They’ll never live up to the original.
*** That was a joke. I still don’t have a waifu.
Actually, that’s a good way to describe AniRevo. It’ll never live up to what it once was, but it’ll continue going down this terrible franchised path, digging its own grave until it can no longer climb out, and ultimately dies the terrible death it deserves.
And Bed-chan and I will be there to watch it die.