Koe no Katachi Sucks Ass Herpes

Anime Opinions, Article — By on October 31, 2017 9:55 pm

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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(also this is the spookymore post and also also I’ll be at youmacon cuz it’s like an hour away from where I work feel free to meet me and tell me how cool I was in 2013)

 

Here’s an image depicting characters from the show

While determining my 200th anime film to watch, I was plagued by indecision. Should I bring in this grand milestone with a film everyone talks up as the greatest thing since anal lubricant, or do I go full meme and watch something shit like Gintama?

Well, assuming you’re literate enough to read the title, you probably already know what I picked. Something which no matter what couldn’t be better than the greatest anime of all time, Shinkai Makoto-san’s masterpiece: Koe no Katachi. An expertly crafted mind-bender, were it not for the tiny detail that

Spoiler:
calendars exist.

But even if it couldn’t live up to such cinematic ✮perfection✮ , it’d have to come close. I mean, MAL wouldn’t lie to me, right?

Let me spoil another ending for you.

 

 

The Characters, Analyzed

Da Boyz

MC-kun

Cheer up, emo kid.

MC-kun is an irredeemable cunt who bullies people and then plays the tragic victim when things don’t go his way. The only point at which his character developed enough to pique my interest was when he attempted an olympic dive into an aqua system more shallow than Mississippi’s gene pool.

Unfortunately, that was only a minute into the movie, and he somehow botched the landing, following it up with an unbearable two-hour runtime of nauseous whingeing.

 

Other, assorted males

With motivations as meaningful as nipple hair, I’m not even sure why this sack of intolerable louts was included in this film. Fujoshi are too stupid to like anything other than Touken Ranbu and that gay hockey show anyway.

 

 

Da Galz

The only redeeming factor of the girls is how completely fuckable they are. And like holy shit would I be first in line to go to jail here.

 

Kousaka Reina

Mayushii is the hottest of the girls, so she’s the most just. I think her main point through the story was “if you have social anxiety you should drop from a roof”.

As such, she is the only objective winner in the series, and also my waifu who totes does not love MC-kun. If you say she likes Naota more than me you are 100% wrong and I require you to apologize post-haste.

 

Kawai Miki

spooks outta nowhere, god this post has fucking everything, doesn’t it?

The moral Miki teaches is that if you whine a lot, you’ll be forgiven, just so long as you’re a cute girl. (With the exception of when it’s plot-necessary to bully a ky deaf girl, of course.)

She’s not wrong, but I also feel like many girls vastly overestimate how cute they are. If there’s a remake, perhaps we could get a Mitty-face instead of a 10/10 qt to drive that point home.

 

Deaf Girl

I don’t remember her name, but she’s kinda like that girl who says “futsuu” all the time in Kyoukai no Kanata, which is super hot. Please don’t infer my fetishes from that. Whether you’re wrong or right, we both lose.

 

 

The Plot, Summarized

KnK starts off start off with MC-kun attempting to commit suicide, and then fucking it up, cuz why not fail at life and death?

Speaking of failure, sweet encode, 35mm.

But how could this tragedy happen? Let’s blame the source! It’s -flashback time-

The catchy intro sequence informs us it was apparently too much western music

After spending half the film’s budget on a The Who license, we’re introduced to a new girl coming into MC-kun’s class. And she’s deaf. Oh noes?

No typesetting, cuz 35mm sucks. But you get the gist, right?

Damn right, oh noes. This is Japan and we’re about to watch how the most progressive culture in the world hammers in handicapable nails.

Cue 30 minutes of stomach-wrenching child abuse.

Now, normally, I’m all for torture porn. Cuz it’s hot. But bullying and ruining a little girl’s life in so gratuitously cruel a fashion — to plucky, forgettable tunes — really fucked with me. Cuz she was hot, and the music really didn’t fit.

Perhaps that’s the point?

Eventually deaf-chan transfers out, which makes sense seeing as Japan ain’t Stockholm.

Following that, we get a flash forward to post-suicide MC-kun, cuz timeskips are easy ways to “tell” stories.

MC-kun waking up to his totally legitimate child

Due to him being a trashbin cunt, everyone in school now dislikes MC-kun. Facing social rejection from all corners, MC-kun switches his attention-whoring gears to becoming a sycophantic pity-monster, sucking the life out of anyone unfortunate enough to happen across this black hole of misery.

X marks the people MC-kun thinks he can guilt-trip into paying attention to him

We’re then subjected to a bunch of stupid mini-arcs, where MC goes around, “getting the gang back together”, which consists solely of people from his childhood who never really liked him in the first place.

During this sad display of desperation, he also tries to steal a base or two on deaf girl, whom he has determined is his best chance of getting laid, outside of going full-on male feminist.

Chemistry degrees get ladies. #Hillary2020

After a bunch of cringeworthy, reddit-tier nonsense, culminating in a pity party on a cheap-looking bridge, he drags deaf girl into committing suicide, and in doing so manages to fuck up the one thing in her life she could actually excel at (other than being super hot).

Do I need to remind you?

Marking the first time in animation history a meddling kid gets their comeuppance, MC-kun is then thrust into a coma, which by some amount of chromosomal fuckery results in everyone in the show heterosexually jacking one another off like it’s Sakuracon 2017 in my room.

Through the power of an even bigger waste of semen than my sister, MC-kun rises from the potato-grave, ready to ruin people’s lives like also my sister. …God, I hate her more even than bitching about bad anime.

Spookymore is the only event I look forward to all year, no lies.

At the end, the X’s covering everyone’s faces disappear cuz… whatever. And, that’s it? That’s the fucking ending of the story? Some douchebag ruins all the characters’ lives, tries to guilt trip everyone into picturing him as a victim, and then he gets the key to the city and a handjob from every milf in a ten-mile radius?

Displeased.

Yeah. You know how many milf handjobs I’ve received? Fucking 0. Which happens to be the score I give this failfuck of a film. Shoulda just rewatched Harmonie or Colorful instead.

plz die, kyoani, and also anyone who liked this shitshow of a film

 

Anyway, off to a Halloween fiesta with some Michigan nakamas. Here’s to hoping I nail a catgirl. Happy Spookymore, everyone. <3



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5 Comments

Bozzzzzzz says:

so huh yeah wtf.
What about Your Name?

Dark_Sage says:

It’s objectively shit.

I gave it a 10.

Bozzzzzzz says:

So KnK was subjectively shit and 0? :D

Ryuu says:

You’re just angry coz there’s no yandere in that movie

Dark_Sage says:

Accurate.

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