The Ten Most Datable Kinds of Female Otaku

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.


I’ll break down the best kinds for ya.

10. Japanese* girls

All Japanese girls like anime, so they’re all otakus.

*Other girls of asianic descent also qualify, as I can’t tell the difference between them.

When not photoshopping their pictures to hell and back, Japanese girls enjoy watching anime and discussing their favorite shows online. You may be talking to a Japanese girl without even knowing it! Hell, even I might be a Japanese girl! D:


9. Cosplayers

Unfortunately, Nagi is used goods :(

Yeah, generally they’re the hottest ones. After all, their hobby is to dress like sluts. But you gotta take into account that you’ve waited at least 30 years to have sex. You’re a fucking wizard by now. You can do better than top-tier hot girls, right?


8. Ero-fans

Talking with a girl about the intricacies of Bible Black is one of the most important foundations in a relationship. Also, being able to have an intelligent conversation about the proper means of pornography storage (do I tag it? organize folders by genre? how about by series? what about cg sets?) counts for a lot.


7. Fansubbers/Scanlators

Is she here to fuck you or kill you? With eyes like those, does it even matter? <3

No one fucks fansubbers, so you know that no one fucks like fansubbers. “Sick in the head, great in the bed.” I guarantee it. Why only #7, then? These girls carry more emotional baggage than anyone could handle.

Same goes for scanlators. You know what it takes for these people to put up with anime/manga fans? No sane woman could put up with leechers for more than a week, so they slowly lose their minds as a coping mechanism. “OMG you’re a girl and you like anime? We should be lovers!!” is the common response when guys find out that there are girls on the internets.

We have no one but ourselves to blame for this. Tis truly sad.


6. AMV makers

Why? Cuz.


5. Fanfic writers

It takes a lot of creativity and effort to write a thousand-page KibaXAkamaru fanfic.

Example 1:

That is, until Akamaru got his two front paws on top of his, pushing his shoulders down, his face right in front of his dick. Kiba opened his mouth wide enough so that his faithful dog could shove it in. Kiba nearly gagged on the long muscle, but he quickly relaxed his throat and it went in easier. After he became accustomed to their beatings, he lifted his right hand and began stroking his neglected erection in time with the black/brown furred dog’s thrusts.

Both dogs were attacking both holes mercilessly with their humping. The black/brown furred one hit Kiba’s prostate, causing the human to moan, which sent vibrations up Akamaru’s cock and spine, causing his tongue to lull out of his mouth and pant. The black/browned furred one did the same, but this was because Kiba was his first mate and his hole was tight!

Example 2:

Kiba’s bare chest was now showing and Akamaru buried his nose into the revealed armpits. The issuing sensation made Kiba moan in pleasure and this was followed by a greeting of his wet tongue to the hairy underarms. Soon, Akamaru moved towards Kiba’s chest and started licking once more. Kiba started stroking the dog’s head, praising him.

“Good boy!” Akamaru started to, what it seemed like, purr, despite intensively licking his way down to Kiba’s trousers. Kiba observed the dog stop and stare at them briefly. “Do it,” Kiba insisted. Akamaru grabbed purchase of Kiba’s black trousers with his teeth and began to violently shake them off. This heightened the excitement in both boy and canine.

Yes, those are both actual excerpts from fanfics. Don’t ask me how I found them.

I guess the main benefit of having a fanfic writer as a girlfriend is that you can be assured you’re no longer the creepiest person around. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Just make sure you don’t leave her and your dog alone.


4. Anime/Manga artists

Just think about it guys, you could have your otaku lover create you a new anime or manga every day. Tired of this boring “high school girls in hilarious situations” bullshit that Japan relies on? You don’t even need to worry about it. Have them make you something actually entertaining. This is about as awesome as it gets.


3. Fandubbers

I know what you’re thinking. Do these mystical sirens actually exist? Fuck yes, they do.

No, I’m not talking about Cristina Vee or Maile Flanagan any of those fake cunts that think The Lion King is an anime. I’m talking about the real fandubbers – the ones who get like 50 views on a video on Youtube and celebrate because “Holy shit, 50 people watched that!”

^ example

Yeah, if you can’t see the benefits of voices that great, I think it’s time to turn in your man card.


2. Hardcore collectors

You may just write these gals off as rich girls, but what you have here is a fine specimen of dedication. It takes a lot of ovaries to display your fandom with a visible collection. Forgoing food, pocky, and clothes isn’t something that’s easy to ask a girl to do. But these ladies sacrifice their transient wealth for something that lasts forever – material goods.

Bonus for having the guts to wear otaku gear in public. <3


1. Pillowcases

Check out this casanova

Long a staple of otaku men, pillowcases offer the comfort that real women won’t provide. Pick one of a character like Konata Izumi (of Lucky Star) to fulfill the female otaku requirement.

Just be careful of the rugburn you’ll likely get. You don’t want to bleed all over the pillowcase and have to buy a new one as you desperately try to find a way to wash the pillowcase without cluing your mom in on what’s happening. That would be bad, especially when she comes in the laundry room to find you furiously trying to scrub the blood off. Then she bans you from the computer for a month so you don’t get taken in by “that Japanese devil filth”, so you’re forced to jerk it in the school library so much that they add to the blacklist.

Yes, I’m still bitter about that.

20 thoughts on “The Ten Most Datable Kinds of Female Otaku”

  1. I lol’d quite a bit when I got to #1, I should’ve seen it coming.

    You know, I have a Kanu (Ikki) pillow that I actually use a proper pillow. I know, madness! I’ve never sullied it and would never dream of doing so. I just lay may head on her every night and sleep. I think I’m prolly the only guy who uses such a pillow case, for such a thing – resting your head on a pillow? Madness!

    • Except unlike Artefact, I can write articles without Google translating them from 2-ch and trolling for comments.

    • There were a few I was like “oh hells yeah!” on, but the others were… eh… not applicable for my lovin’

      • 8/10 of American Otaku girls i would say no to date. And the 2 that i would, are either crazy or taken… >.>;

  2. what the fuuuuuuu— O_O why the frickin fanfic sample?! god my eyes are bleeding and the more i try to forget it the more its carved into my mind… D: …. nice chart tho :D


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