I bought this thing solely to take decent pics for y’all at conventions. But how does it stack up as an actual device?
Well, it’s shit. What the hell did you expect? And before you start, let me nip these in the bud:
Q. Why not an HTC One?
A. I’m not black.
Q. Why not an iPod 5?
A. But I’m not that white.
Q. Windows Phone 8?
All right, onto the review:
Why the S4 is a Terrible Goddamn Phone
Bloatwared to hell and back
Before you ask, yes, I rooted it. But root doesn’t do a goddamn thing other than allowing you to accidentally fuck your phone up. Release the party balloons.
This thing comes installed with 120 apps, most of which are mysteries as to what they do. You wanna tell me what com.qualcomm.qcrilmsgtunnel does? Do I need it? Even if I don’t need it, will removing it fuck me over? Rinse and repeat this concern across the entire fucking device. I don’t have 30 hours to research how to stop Samsung from fucking me in the ass. Killing the bloat you can find doesn’t even approach how much is on this thing.
Can’t take screenshots
I really didn’t intend to drop it here, it’s just impossible to take screenshots with one hand.
You have to hold the home button and the power button for five seconds in order to take a screenshot. And considering you’re pushing down on the home button and to the right on the power button, yes, that shit’s gonna fly away from you if you’re not holding it down. So you have to resort to an incredibly awkward two-hand phone grab to initiate the screenshot.
And then it’s delayed as fuck to actually take the thing. Better hope nothing interesting happens on the screen because it’s too laggy to capture it. And if you hit either the home button or the power button before the other one, you’re either closing out of the app or turning off your phone.
Great design, you kimchi-eating fucks.
And, sorry, you can’t fix this with other apps. I tried Screenshot UX or whatever and it lags just as badly thanks to the piece of shit CPU in this damn thing. It’s easier to just take a picture of your screen with another phone.
Let’s be straight, it looks like ass. And not in the sense of “Goddamn that’s a hot piece of ass”. More in the sense of “That is a steaming load of ass.”
If you choose the black version (like anyone with a functioning brain would), you don’t get a black backing, you get a fucking grey-black backing. So yeah, you’re gonna have to buy a custom case if you don’t wanna look like someone who enjoys museum art (by that, I mean tasteless).
And it’s gigantic and awkward-looking. It’s the equivalent of a 6’5″ guy who’s only 120 pounds. That’s not hot, that’s anorexic.
You’re gonna wanna keep this one in your pocket.
Final score: Has a decent camera at least/10.