I’d say this post has spoilers, but there isn’t a plot to spoil, so… [But seriously, there are fucktons of spoilers.]
Metal Gear as a series is defined and immortalized by its bosses.
Yet in this game, where you play as a character called Big Boss, the only memorable boss fight is riding with Two-Face’s half-brother in a car for 30 fucking minutes as the game tries to see whether or not you’ll get bored enough to turn it off.
Here’s some of the others, and the brilliant strategies they require from the player:
- Quiet – Snipe and duck.
- Man on Fire – Run away.
- The Skulls Parasite Unit – Run away until the game forces you to fight. Then just do the “Press R” QTEs.
- Sahelanthropus – Fire RPG, reload, dodge, repeat.
None of these fights are inventive mechanically or thematically, nor are they memorable in the least. The one-hour, on-rails shooter from the beginning of the game was more intense and captivating than these “marquee” encounters. Paz died for this? :/
Dealing with broken environments and managing your boredom efficiently is about the only thing that approaches a difficulty in this sleeping aid.
The mission structure makes each new outing feel like a chore, and the pacing of the story removes all hints of relevance from the storyline missions. Throughout the entire 50-mission game, maybe 10 actually mattered. And the vast majority of the “second half” of the game was just missions from the first half… but repeated with stupid requirements like “fight the shotgun wielders bare-handed” or “run into a group of 20 people and avoid detection or you automatically lose”.
Then there’s the unskippable FOB system. MGSV forces you to participate in an online mode where you can lose resources in single player… even when you aren’t fucking playing the game.
Of particular note is that you won’t be able to reach any of the higher levels of defending your base without paying Konami $10 to level it up by getting a second one. But that’s a good bargain, because by buying that second base, you can lower the amount of time it takes to grind for all the useless weapons the game has. That’s not predatory f2p bullshit at all!
Christ, I have so much to complain about with the game design that I’m just gonna have to shove it in a bullet list later on. But yeah, shit sux.
So you’re Big Boss and you gotta get revenge for your base getting blown up. To do so, you recruit an army of hardened mercenaries to babysit a handful of douchebag children who end up stealing all your shit and infecting a bunch of your soldiers with parasites. By the end of the game, you go crazy by literally not going crazy at all. Also, you’re not Big Boss — you’re just some random who got plastic surgery. End plot.
Seriously, what the fuck? This is the final Metal Gear game in the entire fucking canon, and all we get is some say-nothing bullshit that raises more questions than answers, and only introduces more stupid fucking plotholes to the poorly thought-out overarching storyline? Shit, if this wasn’t the thirteenth time Kojima pulled that, I’d be surprised.
Quiet’s the only decent character, and that’s just cuz she has a hot body.
*I’m only saying that. Chemical Whiskey for life.
While he was a badass in MGS3, Ocelot is now the pedophile uncle no one in your family wants to acknowledge.
What a fall from grace.
Kaz is… Well, I guess his hamburger plotline was kinda funny.
And then I guess there’s this:
Big Boss, plz.
Other Things to Whine About
Wouldn’t bother opening this spoiler unless you’re one of those idiots who disagrees with my opinion and thinks they can challenge my brilliance in the comments section. And I’m only throwing all this here cuz if I complained about everything I wanted to, we’d end up with a 30-page thesis on the benefits of not letting Kojima anywhere near other humans.
I can see now why Konami fired Kojima. This is a hack game made by a professional hack.
Overall score: It’s not as good as MGS4, but this is still one of the best games I’ve ever played. 10/10.