You can’t always get what you want. Unless what you want is this article. Then, I guess, you can.
The Premise: A Dilemma
For the sake of this post’s introduction let’s say you were just thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Wow, Dark_Sage-sama. Fire Emblem If-Fates-Conquest-Rebirth-Revelation is coming out this Friday and I am woefully unprepared. What should I fucking do?”
Luckily, you prayed to the right god, reader-kun. Cuz I am here to get you sorted like my rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards. (And my common ones too, cuz I’m thorough like that).
Prep Step 1: Choose Correctly
Much like most Pokemon games, there are two Fire Emblem Fates options to choose from: Conquest & Birthright. While you can technically play both versions (and should — you can buy the other version as DLC for whichever one you choose), the initial path you take is the one most telling of the content of your character. Thus, it is of vital importance that you pick the right side for you.
To assist in this difficult decision, I have developed a carefully constructed flowchart with the assistance of my shitty laptop trackpad:
If that doesn’t help, I don’t know how to make the decision any easier, but I’m gonna make the decision fucking easier:
You really gonna give up the opportunity to pet any of their fucking faces? Even if you’ve been spayed or neutered, your genes should point you to the right answer here.
Which brings me to another point:
I’ll pet anyone’s face I fucking want, fuck you Nintendo
Like anything else remotely referring to the existence of human sexuality, the Japanese version of Fire Emblem apparently offended the
Christian Right Regressive Left so much that Nintendo killed off most of the skinship minigame in the Western release, among other things.
Won’t be seeing this in America anytime soon:
Now, Nintendo may have tried to censor Femblem in the west by cutting out the face petting, making every character 18+ (cuz people are fooled by that?), and replacing the voice acting of famous Japanese saiyans with unpaid interns/Funi devs… but hell if I was gonna let anyone lose out on true amie on my watch.
So here’s my undub patch — no downloads required:
- Turn on the game.
- Wait for the object of your fleeting affections to roll up on the screen.
- Rub your hands, genitals, or other misc. body parts all over your 3DS.
- Congrats, you just outwitted Nintendo.
Some nerds are currently working on an alternative method to restore the game (including the parts my solution couldn’t fix), but you’d have to keep your firmware at 10.3 or below until their patch comes out, which your OCD may not allow.
Here’s the link to their fixes if it does (work in progress, ETA who the fuck knows): http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=60728
Prep Step 3: Buy an N2 Elite/Amiiqo for the DLC
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent a grand or two on boxes filled with plastic figurines that look cheap even by Happy Meal standards, which you never intend to open, resell, or even acknowledge, because you don’t want to admit you fucked up by buying into the Beanie Baby hype.
Yet Nintendo has decreed that if you don’t open your four-figure Han Solo collection to scan them all in, you’ll never be allowed to fuck with your crew from Awakening again.
Which leaves you two options to unlock Nintendo’s family friendly, on-a-cart DLC:
- Become a dirty fucking heathen who spends at least $52 on character DLC and now has to explain why there’s hot glue all over Marth.
- Buy another middle finger to let Nintendo know what the fuck is up.
To acquire the N2 (an R4 for amiibos), you only have to give your credit card info and $50 to some sketchy-ass totally US-based sites and hope they don’t sell it or your address to Russian organ dealers. Then once you have the thing, simply load some amiibo .bin files you found on random Mega DDL links and cross your fingers you didn’t just give your 3DS an e-STD.
Prep Step 4: Hold fast and wait another fucking week to actually play the damn thing because only suckers pay to expedite shipping and I mean even if I expedited one of my copies I’d feel obligated to pay to expedite everything else too and shit at that point why not just dip my dick in gold and call myself Cock King Midas?
I guess this one’s more of a note-on-the-mirror type of situation, but this kind of honest dialogue is why you read my LiveJournal in the first place.
Fire Emblem Then
I dunno, I think that’s it. I do recall bouncing a few more Femblem prep ideas around when I was lying in this shitty hotel bed trying to think myself to sleep before deciding to :effort: and put fever thoughts to paper. But I’ve got work in five hours and I think the Nos is wearing off, so we’re gonna call it a night.