Life would be much better if my standards were higher than this.
“What if we made a series about the first furry in history to be into girls?”
Series premise: An alien spaceship crash-landed in the middle of Nowhere, Japan, scattering a bunch of aliens in the form of ~gold coins~ all over the fucking place.
One of the aliens survived the crash (in non-coin state) and, in a show of inspired laziness, is asking folks to gather the coins for him at the following rates, redeemable at an abandoned love hotel vending machine:
- 1 gold coin = a super power, equivalent to whatever you wish for (ex: invisibility, super speed, plot armor)
- 2-99 gold coins = ~fucking nothing~
- 100 gold coins = super mega power
Thus starts an arms race between a litany of horny whackos who interpret “treasure hunt” as “death game”. Because if they had any critical thinking skills, things wouldn’t be any fun at all.
Any good death game owes the majority of its success to the strength of its characters. Gleipnir focuses more on their panties, but I’ll take it.
Emo Biscuit Hammer (Shuuichi Kagaya)
Dude has the power to turn into a wearable fursuit and punch things kinda hard. Basically, his super power is retard strength.
Things ramp up later when he invites Clair over for a garbagefuck and shares his discomforting views on Indonesian racial politics. He kinda fills that Shinji void for me, where I don’t think I like him, but I respect his existence as a character.
Happy Sugar Life (Clair Aoki)
Almost anorexic, Clair’s diet consists solely of water, calorie mates, and virgin jizz.
That’s enough to put any 2D girl into waifu-range already, but when you factor in her homicidal tendencies…
Smug and murdercidal, Clair is the only thing that keeps the show from getting bogged down by boring characters. The script devs kinda did her dirty during the mountain flowers section, but it’s hard to hold the sins of the author against her.
Fake Yandere (Erena Aoki)
Clair and Erena are both unfairly tagged as yandere. I consider myself an expert on the subject after one Yuno-inspired fap session resulted in me visiting the emergency ward to get my dick stitched back together.
Yanderes must kill out of love. That’s the fucking spice of it. Should peanut butter work on a hamburger? No. Should pineapple work on a pizza? Also no. But both of those “extraneous” ingredients are required to make their modified cuisine ascend to kanpeki-hood.
Both girls love Shuuichi; that’s clear. Checkbox 1.
But neither kill because of him. Erena’s super chill with slitting Shuuichi’s throat if need be, and Clair’s probably been killing cats in the neighborhood since she was born. (Note: I still believe that Clair and Erena are the same person despite the mountains of physical evidence in the show telling me I’m an idiot.)
“But D_S, you can’t just–“
Watch me. I forgot what strawman I was building here in the first place, but the point is I’m right. Moving on.
The Benihana Boy (Steve Aoki)
With the insidious ability to make it onto any overweight ravegrrl DJ setlist he wants, Steve-kun is the only Gleipnir character who had his super power before the alien arrived on earth.
Whether out of spite for humanity or a misguided sense of love, this energy vampire resolves his conflicts by creating beats so bland that all who hear them are instantly sedated.
Take this oatmeal on a chart sheet:
Auditory chloroform at its finest~
Ikemen Corpsefucker (Youta Murakami)
First Shuuichi goes all “omg this dude is the stronkest” and then Youta gets unceremoniously wrecked in a fight with a bear demon who gets killed offscreen, eventually peacing out of the story entirely because Shuuichi randomly decides he can’t fight.
The only reason I have him as a highlight in this section is because I fucking love the nickname I gave him.
No one else is worthy of discussion, so let’s move on to Gleipnir’s biggest strength(s).
An Eye for the Prize
That’s right, this series has enough skin to fill a Gein museum.
Gratuitous, but not out of place, all the horniness perfectly complements the edgy brutality of the fight scenes.
Here are some screenshots I remembered to take in the midst of masturbating. Spoilered in case you’re reading this post at Sunday school or something.
“Why does it look like all the girls have just been slimed, D_S?”
That there’s Premium(tm) girlsweat, friend. Don’t ask too many questions about the particulars.
Just because the show’s a 10/10, doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Here are three complaints, cuz that’s a good number to cap it at. Spoilers, I guess?
1. Everyone gets all mopey and serious-face when Clair hatches the plan to burn a bunch of oleander so that the dipshits running into a fucking forest fire would get smoked the fuck up.
What? Why? You know how many corpses it took to get us to this point?
2. The author is clearly making shit up chapter by chapter.
Clair’s sister and Shuuichi have this major history that’s pretty much central to the entire fucking series, but when they meet she goes all ~ah what do I do I don’t know how to talk to people!~. The fuck is that?
Characters are also introduced, then unceremoniously sidelined until they can serve their purpose of building up a ~new & important~ character. At least try and keep things interesting, fuck.
3. Funimation handled the localization. :(
How does this company even exist?
Japanese… nepotism, you say? Impossible. Everyone knows that’s an issue only experienced in Korea. I mean, read a book, guys, lmao.
Manga vs. Anime
Since the story is pretty much the same, I give kudos to the anime for spending its screentime on character interactions and jiggle physics. But the manga takes the cake in my opinion:
Granted, I only got up to chapter 21, because after [Psylocke Scanlations] dropped it, the gas-huffing mestizos over at [Kirishima Fansub] stepped in and decided JP->ES->EN was the way to go.
By the way, [KF], the “sub” in “fansub” stands for subtitles, you fucking sub-human sewer scum. If you exclusively translate manga, you aren’t making subtitles at all, now are you? Choke on a garrote.
Urine Speaks Louder Than Words
How much you’ll like Gleipnir is
inversely directly proportional to how good of a person you are. And as the second coming of Christ, I gotta say I’m quite the fan.
(For those who’ve already seen it, I fucking loved the final third, which is why I didn’t talk about it too much. Figure the new viewers are owed a blind experience there at least.)
Next on the docket is Great Pretender – Netflix v. Cartel Edition.