Apologies for the second post being necessary. WordPress apparently hates 40-page documents posing as posts. Here’s the follow-up to my in-depth editing on Nisemonogatari episode 3.
Fansub reviewathon when I wake up in the morning.
Depending on how I’m feeling, I either mux the script and do a QC run here or I go line by line and ignore all the non-script parts of the show. Generally, it’s the latter and that’s true in this case. This run is less focused on error management and more on phrasing improvements, but if the first run had a LOT of errors, I’ll place more value on error management. What you’re going to find here is that I can make a script truly shine with a second pass, which is why I recommend all editors do second passes on their scripts if they can.
And for this run? Not to be arrogant, but most groups aren’t going to field editors that fix the lines up like this.
Original: That’d be a pain, so cut it out.
Editedv2: That’d be a pain if you did, so please don’t.
Basic attempt to make the lines flow better and make more sense. It comes off of “Perhaps I make my room messy just so I can see your skill.”
Original: Then you’d marry me?
Original: If our positions were reversed.
Editedv2: But you’d still marry me?
Editedv2: Only if our positions were reversed.
Here I’m just trying to make the banter more banter-y. That means more snappy lines that can stand on their own.
Original: But you know, Araragi-sempai…
Original: You and Senjougahara-sempai
Original: make a good couple.
Editedv2: You know, Araragi-sempai…
Editedv2: Senjougahara-sempai and you
Editedv2: make a good couple.
I switched around the third line because I didn’t want two lines starting with “You” in a row. I took out the “But” in the first line because two lines back another sentence starts with “But”. Word variation is very important to quality writing/editing.
Original: And you’ll have me for a lover,
Original: and maybe Sengoku-chan as your third?
Editedv2: And you’ll have me for a lover,
Editedv2: and maybe Sengoku-chan as your third woman?
I wanted to make this a bit clearer. There’s no question about what’s happening with this line.
Original: I don’t know what to say
Original: about your dream proposal.
Editedv2: I don’t know what to say
Editedv2: about your fantasy proposal.
“Fantasy” is more playful than severe here, so considering the whole nature of the conversation I felt it was a better fit.
Original: Well, I don’t think you should worry about that relationship.
Editedv2: I don’t think you should worry about their relationship.
Mm, this new flow of lines is so much more delicious.
Original: I’m not terribly pleased about it.
Original: But since those two are happy with it,
Original: it isn’t my place to say anything.
Editedv2: I’m not terribly pleased with the situation.
Editedv2: But since those two are happy with how things are,
Editedv2: it isn’t my place to say anything.
Fixed for better phrasing. “I’m not terribly pleased about it.” is just poorly worded. And again, I’m mixing up the word choice here. The less you repeat, the better.
Now there’s something I want those of you who’ve read this far to know. I would not call out the original lines in a review. I would not mention them, nor would I even suggest that there is something that could be better here. But you can clearly see the changes I make are superior. See, that’s the problem. My reviews for the script part of a fansub operate at a very, very base level of scriptwork.
Do I wish I could talk about upper-tier editing? Why yes, I do. But until groups can consistently manage B-pluses or higher, I’m not seeing that happening. Many apologies.
Original: I just bought it on a whim, at a department store.
Editedv2: I just bought it on a whim at a department store.
I don’t feel the need to emphasize a pause here. I realize it’s the translator’s style for the show, but the comma can easily go without affecting a damn thing.
Original: So, yeah…
Original: That was a rare hand, so let’s end it here.
Editedv2: All right, then…
Editedv2: That was a rare hand, so let’s end it here.
“All right, then…” goes into the next line much smoother. “So, yeah…” is some generic segueing line, but it’s not really the best here.
Original: It’s a name I just heard said.
Editedv2: I’ve heard your name before.
I’m taking swing here because he’s either saying “I just heard your name from you” or “I’ve heard your name before”. I don’t speak Japanese, so these things are usually checked over with someone who can speak it, but I’m going to assume that the latter is the case. It would make more narrative sense and it would add a sense of “mystery” to the script, which definitely fits in the -gatari theme.
Original: It won’t cause problems if I ignore it.
Original: No, I have no choice but to ignore it.
Editedv2: It won’t cause problems if I ignore it.
Editedv2: No, I have no choice but to ignore it.
The emphasis on “but” helps emphasize that he has no choice here. “ignore it” is at the end of both lines because it’s the good kind of repetition — the kind that serves a point. It’s akin to someone yelling a command and then yelling it louder to drive the point home. “Stop! Stop, I say!” is one such example.
Original: The lesson for me here is that
Editedv2: The lesson appears to be that
I don’t think it’s of dire importance that he be the only one to learn a lesson. So I edited away that distinction. I like to talk about flow a lot, but that’s why I make most of these changes. This improves the flow.
Original: He’s totally different from that slacker, Oshino.
Original: He was more like Guillotine Cutter.
Original: Well, Oshino and Guillotine Cutter
Original: were totally different, but…
Editedv2: He’s different from that slacker, Oshino.
Editedv2: I’d say he’s more like Guillotine Cutter.
Editedv2: Well, Oshino and Guillotine Cutter
Editedv2: were altogether different, but…
Past tense for the GC/Oshino part cuz I’m pretty sure whoever/whatever this Guillotine Cutter is… is dead. That’s not a spoiler or anything. I don’t know shit about him except he’s in a previous book, so don’t get mad at me. I’m just jumping to conclusions over here.
Original: Those strange, depressing funeral clothes.
Editedv2: Those were strange, depressing funeral clothes.
The original would work if it had an ellipsis at the end, but ellipsis overuse kills baby penguins, so I wanted to avoid that. The simple fix was to just make the line a stand-alone sentence.
Original: And threatening.
Editedv2: and threatening.
I usually don’t mind going straight into a capitalized sentence off of an ellipsis, but when it’s not really a sentence and when it fits so well with the previous line, it’s best to treat the ellipsis like a comma and leave the next line in lowercase.
Original: Don’t do things that will seriously depress me!
Editedv2: Don’t do things that will make me depressed!
The original line is super awkward and not something anyone would say. So I used my magical fixing stick known as a brain.
Original: I don’t know any boy who’d neglect his studies,
Original: to wander around here.
Editedv2: I don’t know any boy who’d neglect his studies,
Editedv2: just to wander around here.
What value does “just” add? Senjou’s the queen of harsh language. Dropping the “just” in there adds an extra layer of dismissal to her statement. He didn’t neglect his studies to do something and then wander around. He neglected his studies solely to wander around this specific, uninteresting place.
Original: you must be a true coward.
Editedv2: you must be a total coward.
As opposed to a false coward? Let’s fix this.
Original: Hanekawa’s busy today, and couldn’t make it.
Editedv2: Hanekawa’s busy today and couldn’t make it.
The more I think about these lines, the less I like the commas that seem to be arbitrarily added.
Original: She really did do it deliberately!
Editedv2: She really did do it deliberately!
Proper emphasis for better reading.
Original: So regardless of what you play, with whom,
Editedv2: So regardless of what you play, or with whom,
The first would only really work if it was something like “So regardless of what you play, with whom, or where…” but this isn’t a list, so it’s not right.
Original: Kanbaru is a cute little underclassman.
Original: And I don’t believe in life after death at all.
Editedv2: Kanbaru is my cute, little underclassman.
Editedv2: And I don’t believe in life after death.
Senjou can show more ownership of Kanbaru here. She’s not just anyone’s underclassman, she’s Senjou’s. Also fixed the adj, adj noun combination.
The second line has no need for the “at all” part so that was dropped to streamline the sentence.
Original: that said, I’d like to be certain that you know this…
Editedv2: that said, I’d like to be certain that you know this:
Colon over the ellipsis here because it sets up what she’s about to say much better. It’s not just “this…” with the implication the phrase continues. The colon means “what comes afterward is what I just said I’ll be talking about”. It’s more definite and more rare. It’s like a high-class prostitute whereas the ellipsis is just a drugged-out hobo with no teeth and loose morals. The ellipsis’ll fuck anyone he can get his gums around, but the night mistress will only take the finest of the politicians America has to offer. The colon in this line? She fucked a vice-president. That’s how good she is here.
Original: I finished my shopping, and I’m heading home.
Editedv2: I finished my shopping, and now I’m heading home.
This adds a better timeline to the events. Crazy what adding one word can do to the value of a sentence.
Original: I’m on my way back from Kanbaru’s.
Editedv2: I’m simply on my way back from Kanbaru’s.
“Simply” was added to show a bit of innocence. Kinda like “Oh, I was only coming back from her place. Nothing else.” His goal here is to assuage Senjou’s fears of infidelity.
Original: I saw a weird guy in front of Kanbaru’s house.
Original: When did they hang a mirror in front of Kanbaru’s house?
Editedv2: I saw a weird guy in front of Kanbaru’s house.
Editedv2: When did they hang a mirror in front of her house?
Fixed the overuse of “Kanbaru’s house” here.
Original: His name was…
Original: Was that it?
Editedv2: His name was…
Editedv2: I think.
Less disjointed phrasing. The lines now connect in a single thought like the show implied it was.
Original: I hadn’t imagined he’d return to this town…
Editedv2: I never imagined he’d return to this town…
Just superior in every way.
Original: His feel was akin to that of Oshino and Guillotine Cutter.
Original: Those two are similar by virtue of their expertise in the supernatural.
Editedv2: I got the same vibes from him that I did from Oshino and Guillotine Cutter.
Editedv2: They are similar by virtue of their expertise in the supernatural.
I attempted to make these as sensible as possible. “feel” was replaced by “vibes” simple because it was a less-generic way to phrase it.
Original: Until I know at least what he’s after,
Editedv2: Until I at least know what he’s after,
Minor rephrase for a more natural flow of words.
Original: It’s hard to reach, deep in your pocket.
Original: My pockets aren’t that deep.
Editedv2: It’s hard to reach that deep in your pocket.
Editedv2: My pockets aren’t very deep!
This is a better setup for the “deep” joke later on. It also prevents “that deep” from being used twice in a row.
Pass 2 Results:
Time taken: ~30 minutes. (I forgot to set the timer, but this corresponds well to the start and end dates of the second round.)
Masturbation breaks: 3. (Dat Suruga <3) x2 (Dat high-class colon <3) x1
So all these edits and what did I think of the CR script? Great. It was pretty good. In my upcoming review style where I count down AND up instead of just marking off errors and calling the grade that way, this would receive an A-/B+ straight out of the box. I believe the CR TL visits this site if it’s the same one I’m thinking of, so I’d just like to tell you that “I know. I’ll go ‘click’ on him.” line was some of the best writing I’ve seen. And “Neither your life nor your pockets are that deep”? Fuck, I’d have your children if I could.
Unfortunately, other groups don’t get the CR break when it comes to Nise. If you’re going to rip and present the subs with your own flair, you damn well better make sure your own flair warrants waiting even a minute longer than CR’s release. You don’t get an automatic A- on the editing and a blowjob for having the ability to demux a HorribleSubs release. I’ve already been impressed by the CR translation, so I better be impressed by your editing or my critique is going to be scathing. A first pass like the one I showed you would suffice and I probably wouldn’t have much to say about it. I don’t expect you to reach my level in, say, 38 minutes. But with multiple editors and QCs in your group, there’s no way it’d be too hard to have decent error management.
THAT, Commie, is why I took your editing to task in my review of your subs. It’s not due to some weird bias I have against you (especially considering I’ve given your group more recommendations as “best group for this show” than any other). It’s my bias against lazy, ineffective editing.
tl;dr: Newfags don’t know shit about editing and should keep their mouths shut until they do.
First Pass Edit Script (This is used as the “Original” script for the second pass.)
And yes, any group can use these scripts for whatever purposes.
But in the end was this whole thing really about some newfag who didn’t know shit about editing and the courageous Dark_Sage putting him in his place? Not really. I already do that shit with my reviews. Why would I need to spend hours doing an editing critique just for that? That kid was a fun framing device (let’s be real here, it was a total honeypot), but I really wanted to put this out there simply because most people aren’t going to know too much about the editing process. I hope it helped somewhat and if you have any questions or comments on the article, go ahead and toss them in the comments section.