Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate Review (3DS Version)

Article, Video Games — By on March 30, 2013 1:58 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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“If I like Monster Hunter, does that mean I’m turning Japanese?” No, it just means you have shit taste.

Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate? More like “Shitty Fucking Game 3 Ultimate”. Zing!

The original effect was accidental -- turns out adding a border to text is beyond me

This effect was actually accidental — turns out adding a border to text is beyond me


Hope you have a guide

This game is deep, and I don’t mean in the intellectual way. This is more of the “into its own ass” form.

You will need to research everything that’s important about this game online:

  • Weapon trees
  • Item drops (and percentages)
  • Item locations
  • Skill levels
  • Skills’ actual abilities
  • How to get skills to actually fucking activate
  • How to progress the plot
  • Enemy locations
  • Enemy weaknesses (super fucking important)
  • Enemy hitboxes (see above)
  • Farming locations/odds of the locations appearing
  • Blah blah blah, I could honestly go on for an hour here

The game was clearly built to sell strategy guides, and that’s not good game design (Demon’s Souls, I’m looking at you too).

If you think “8” for tremor resistance means anything, you’re actually wrong. Welcome to MonHun.

In fact, I’m gonna say the game is unplayable if you go in blind. This makes the game difficult in an unfair sense. A good game will tell a player what its systems are and leave the player to master them. A bad game will skip the first step. And make no mistake about it — Monster Hunter is a bad game.




A game like Monster Hunter can only be judged on its gameplay. It has no story, characters, or presentation to speak of. So let’s get to judging.

Including rage quits, that’s 70 hours+. I’d say I’m qualified to whine.

Weapon/armor progression and monster weaknesses indicate the best way to progress through the game is by having multiple weapons of multiple element types. And if you don’t do what the game wants you to (by the way, the game will never, ever indicate which is the best weapon to use), you’re going to get caught up in battles of attrition that can last up to 60 minutes.

If that doesn’t sound like fun to you, I can assure you it isn’t.


MFW this game

But if you want to play how the game wants you to play, you’re going to have to grind for unreasonable amounts of time to get enough cash/materials for all those weapons. Hell, I had to mine ore for 10 hours to get a Dragon Hammer (sounds about as fun as you’d think). That’s one fucking weapon with one fucking element.

The best part? The game randomly assigns you a “charm table”. And if you get a bad “charm table”, you can’t get dragon weapons at all for the main story. Lucky you.

So of course, you’re going to end up playing with a limited weapon set for efficiency purposes, leading to some incredibly frustrating boss battles and grinding points. And by limiting yourself to one weapon, you’re fucking yourself (unkindly) in the ass, because various weapon/armor sets will become unavailable to you entirely. Unless you play online with others, that is…



Carry me home

…and that’s my biggest problem with Monster Hunter. The game was developed with the intent of four players tackling monsters, and it actively punishes you for playing single player. Hell, it even punishes you for playing with just two people. So you’d better get your ass online (which you can’t if you don’t have a WiiU).

"Sounds like a fucking party."

“Sounds like a fucking party.”

Seriously, there is absolutely no reason anyone should play offline mode. At all. I tried, but turns out I just threw 70 hours down the drain. Don’t be me.

See, you could start the game in online mode, and within 10 hours of going from boss to boss with a full crew, you’ll have all the armor and weapons you’d get in 100 hours offline. And all that frustration would be shared across all members of your hunting party, making the game’s numerous flaws more tolerable. So then what’s the point of the 3DS version which has no built-in online gameplay, leaving players with really only the unbalanced single-player option?

Paint and Paint.Net can't handle captions? Fucking hell, I'm just gonna download Photoshop.

Well said, Fran.



These could be paragraphs, but you wouldn’t read them


  • Nobody plays Monster Hunter in America (for good reasons), so good luck finding anyone to play with locally on your 3DS unless you want to go to your local elementary school and get arrested for creeping on kids.
  • Hitboxes are broken, and monsters and loot can be hidden behind invisible walls, making it impossible to hit them or collect said loot.
  • The difficulty curve was graphed by Michael J Fox.
  • Underwater battles are unenjoyable, janky messes where the primary antagonist is the controls rather than the monster.
  • Actually, all battles are unenjoyable, janky messes where the primary antagonist is the controls rather than the monster.
  • Monster designs are generally cancer (Rathalos is the only cool looking one, but it’s literally just a dragon, so no shit it’s gonna look good), the graphics are fucked, and the music’s terrible.



Conclusive evidence of failure


Ultimately, after 70 hours I had to ask myself the question, “Have I enjoyed even a single minute of this game?”

The answer is yes. But that doesn’t make for a very good review ender, so I’m gonna say “no”.

4/10. Fuck this game. But if you wanna hunt with me sometime, I also bought this for the WiiU and am not keen on seeing that money just thrown away — NNID is ReiAyanami.

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Starra says:

Welcome back, Sage.

Dark_Sage says:

It’s good to be back.

abc says:

So why is it that JRPGs these days are only on the 3ds? I like my 3ds, but I don’t want to see my favorite genre confined to niche status anymore than it already is.

Passerby says:

What do you mean only on 3ds? Is it jrpg that only you like? Japan-language games? Or what?

kayserlein says:

Luckily, a friend introduced me to this who already grinded for like 150 hours and he helped for like 30 hours, taking me on quests I was actually too low-leveled for, so that I could get rare materials to make equioment early in the game. That made it a lot easier at the beginning for me. Then I reached the point where all this pre-work didn’t help anymore ans it took me something about 10 hours to say, “Fuck this shit!”.

Dark_Sage says:

Yeah, getting carried helps a lot, but it’ll only get ya so far.

I can sort of see why the series has fans, but with a game this broken, I can’t understand how it has the popularity it does.

Jeff says:

Lmao! your entire argument against the game sounds like a case of you sucking.

All Stygian Zin weapons have dragon element. Also NOT all weapons need to have an elemental advantage to beat the monster. Monster Hunter is basically about positioning, and skill – if you hated it, you probably suck.

That’s not meant to offend, you seriously suck… I see people beating G-Rank monsters with NO armor on, and 1 HP…

The game has popularity because it isn’t broken… it’s extremely reliant on skill just like a fighting game is. If you don’t know how the frames work you’re gonna have a bad time. MH is about knowing monster movements, and attack patterns, and knowing just how to dance with said creature. To claim that all the monster designs blow is hilarious. Zinogre is a giant electric timber wolf… Lagiacrus is an awesome leviathan, and Nargacuga is a giant panther dragon…

Your attempt to rip this game apart is hilarious. Nobody outside of Japan plays this because they are a bunch of cry babies who can’t figure out how to literally git gud…

Monster Hunter is the kind of video game where if you can’t play it well, and you don’t devote yourself to it, it shows. It shows you suck, and have no patience… To finally craft an awesome set of Stygian G-Rank Zin armor… feel AWESOME… Or Brachydios…

The elemental weakness thing is funny to me… because GS does so much raw damage that I Eff shit up all the time. I can play just as well with DS which are a much better conduit for elemental damage. The thing about MH is that if you learn how to play it properly – IE: with out guides, you will learn that you can honestly do just fine if you learn how to play well. So please, you cry some more lmao.

Dark_Sage says:

Honestly, didn’t read your post, just saw you were super mad about something. Regardless, I think the correct takeaway is “What kind of poor piece of shit is still playing mh3u when mhgen is out?”

Kiraly says:

Sounds like Shin Megami Tensei.

Well, except for the sucks part. And the online multiplayer part.

3173 says:

MH games are for people with an addiction to grinding.

Neko-Chan says:


Dark_Sage says:

Clearly, I’ve been playing Monster Hunter.

kirk says:

Keep Dark Souls out of your dirty whore mouth. Slut.

Dark_Sage says:

Oh shit, I meant Demon’s Souls, since that’s the one I played [fixed]. I assume it’s similarly afflicted though, though.

A game where you have to look up class options/drops/decisions points online if you want to progress is a poorly designed game. Deal with it.

kirk says:

People have definitely beat it without looking anything up. I’ve watched streams of them doing it, but I guess they could have lied. Maybe you just need to stop being so bad at video games D_S.

Dark_Sage says:

Oh, you really don’t think you can fuck up a Demon’s Souls build by going in blind? Did you actually play the game, or are you one of those lower classes that just watches Let’s Plays and considers that good enough?

Sheep says:

Except for the fact that the Soul series isn’t that hard at all , with a massiver overhype of difficultly, you can do anything with a build as long as you aren’t full retard.

There are like 712 levels, it’s kinda hard to fuck up a build, especially when diminishing returns make it hard for one point to matter that much.

corocoro says:

I just put points into whatever seemed beneficial at the time and that was enough. The game isn’t as hard as it’s made out to be.

Jeff says:

You say this – and the hilarious thing coming out of your mouth is that the game doesn’t hold your hand. It wasn’t designed so that you would need to look up drop rates… the individual symbols indicate if the item is a bug, plant, ore etc… and the naming schemes help. I don’t think I’ll be finding Ice Crystals in the Green Valley, or Volcano region… You know the game is not poorly designed ESPECIALLY when it was designed with eastern audiences in mind… which are a lot more social than we western shut-ins.

kirk says:

I’ve played the game a lot actually, but nice strawman bb. It’d be pretty hard to fuck up a build to make PVE unbeatable. Hell, if you have even a little experience with RPG’s you’ll be able to figure out what vitality, endurance, strength and dexterity might do. In fact, you can do nothing but level those stats and have no clue what the other are for and still beat the game easily. It’s not hard to overlevel on NG. However, if you just totally fucking suck at videogames and can’t figure out basic move patterns you’re never going to beat the game regardless.

kirk says:

Oops, meant to reply to D_S above.

Dark_Sage says:

Yes, it’s possible to beat the game by making assumptions about the mechanics. Is it efficient? Is it going to be a good time? No. Don’t kneejerk when faced with reality — the game doesn’t explain shit and that’s to its detriment.

kirk says:

I don’t think efficiency necessarily equals fun. If you make assumptions about the mechanics and you end up being right about them, how is that a detriment to the amount of fun you had playing the game?

I forgot to address this, but do people actually buy strategy guides?

Dark_Sage says:

If you magically guess everything right, sure, I would consider that a positive experience. That doesn’t happen.

As for purchasing strategy guides… Hmm, I really don’t know. They must, since the things are still being sold. But I have no clue about the market in Japan for the things.

Sheep says:

The only thing it doesn’t explain are stats that are easily derived for the most part I’d say.


So you’re right to some extent, it does not tell you some information about stats but it seriously explains most things pretty well in your character shit.

I don’t really know how to give you an example because it just does it if you hit select where it lists your stats and such(IIRC), pretty much everyone looks up shit for weapon upgrades and such(which is about the only thing I look at) so maybe I missed the point and I can agree that its flawed in that aspect.

Kiraly says:

DEX making magic better in every single way is a surprise?

Justinnnnnn says:

If you’re into more strategy than looting/hack and slash, try XCOM: Enemy Unknown. Don’t know if you own a PS3/Xbox, but I think it’s also available for the PC.

Also, FTL (Faster Than Light). That game is the swag of swagity swag.

Dark_Sage says:

Final Fantasy Tactics is my favorite game, so “strategy” was a good guess.

Of course it sucks, it was made for the 3DS. If Capcom got its shit together and made it for the Vita, maybe the game wouldn’t be such a failure.

Leave it to Nintendo/Capcom to not have online play in 2013.

Dark_Sage says:

Yeah, it might at least have been playable on the Vita.

Fingers crossed for Vita lead plat for MH4G.

Could you have a more obnoxious screen name if you tried?

Anonymous says:

F U.

^^I believe that suffices. I did not mean to offend you but if you’ve been offended, it was intentional.

Dark_Sage says:

I’m sure you’ve ruined his day.

NIAIK says:

Sorry about that, I forgot to add my name that first time around, it’s also in response to the original post. I fucking hate your messaging system.

Dark_Sage says:

And your second post didn’t reply to the original post either.

The comments system sucks, yes, but all you need to do is go to the bottom with the comment box and type your reply there. I’m not sure where the confusion comes in.

NIAIK says:

Again, I apologize. But it was in response to 420xquick5c0p3MLG’s original post, not yours.
It just seems to not post it under him. T.T

Dark_Sage says:

Oh, his post? No, then that’s how the system operates. You just can’t reply directly under him because others have already done that. It’s set up logically.

NIAIK says:

Yeah, for some reason I thought my response was to xXxCOD4|\||)weedxXxSSW. (God I fucking hate these names)
I’ve just been away for too long, I thought I’d gotten used to the commenting system, apparently, I still haven’t.
┐( ̄ー ̄)┌
Anyways, sorry for the confusion.

Dark_Sage says:

np. I’ve been away for too long as well.

NIAIK says:

F U.

^^I believe that suffices. I did not mean to offend you but if you’ve been offended, it was intentional.

Novles says:

Nintendo nerd.

jack of blades says:

Its a shame that this is a bad thing, hell two of my favorite games come from Nintendo, and I have a master sword, not that anyone is asking. Good opinion Dark_Sage but I dont think this will stop me from getting it, then again I think it was supposed to.

Haidaraaaaa says:

155 hours and 34 minutes in. I am still enjoying it even after going through moga village missions and getting to hr7 alone.

There is a reason why they gave the strategy guide as a pre-order bonus.

Marow says:

I tried the demo and barfed a little. It’s… it’s horrible. It’s outdated. Why do people defend this so much, stating “it’s how it should be”? It’s like saying the “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” game is perfect because it was made like that.

Jeff says:

Because the animations are long? LMAO… Sorry the dev didn’t pump the game full of high octane cocaine and sugar… lmao. You obviously sucked.

NIAIK says:

I’m personally a MH fan so won’t waste my time trying to get you to like it, some people just don’t, I’m well aware of the reasons. But, the only reasons this game in particular is such a pain in the ass (in other words, sucks) is because it lacks online play. Which is obviously Capcom’s way of saying but both of the games or you’re fucked. And seeing how I don’t have the Wii-U, I’m fucked. I wouldn’t really mind buying both of the games if I actually had Wii-U. Well, fuck it.
Just don’t buy the games if you don’t like them; However, in your case, you actually have both versions, so you could actually play it online, which btw, totally ruins the 3DS game in general. Aside from grinding offline, you can’t do jack with it. Also, seeing as how low leveled the item drops in offline are, you’d be just wasting your money by buying that game if you don’t actually know anyone to play it with.
For those that didn’t read, (TLDR) just skip this and get 4 when it comes.

I fucking hate how I can’t import my MH3 data too.

Haidaraaaaa says:

I actually believe the online is killing mh. there are countless people who have not touched a shred of the single player just because it’s much easier to get better items with a group of people. Less effort more reward. What’s the fun in getting carried through a mh game? Killing something yourself is much better than saying you’re too incompetent to do it yourself.

However, I’m not saying there should be no online. I just think they should have regulated it so shitty players can’t get better gear early on. All it takes is for a hr6+ player to join the game to quickly raise anyone lower up to hr6. The most basic fix I could think of to make the online less broken would be force the players to complete the low level moga village questline. Even something simple like that would have made the online much better and the single player more rewarding.

NIAIK says:

Well, duh! That’s obvious, you’d always need to finish the main campaign in any game first before going online and actually start competing or just gearing online! I believe any idiot of an gamer should know that and besides, that’s the whole point of the ranking system. You specify what you’re looking for in an online game.
Another thing that you should take into consideration is the fact that online play is actually quite harder than offline play. I mean, 6* from the village is child’s play compared to 3* online quests. I also can’t imagine anyone being able to solo their way up the online quests. ( I tried, can’t say I failed miserably though, but that’s just because I loved grinding.)
Well, bottom line, MH isn’t that much fun solo. Now don’t take this the wrong way, it IS fun, but it’s nothing compared to the online mood.
But, then again, you can have two companions with you like the old times, so, can’t argue much against it.(unless you decide to make them the bombing type of companions while on their early levels!)

Dark_Sage says:

>Another thing that you should take into consideration is the fact that online play is actually quite harder than offline play.


No. Not even close. Four players is MonHun’s version of easy mode.

Edit: Not that I mind. I’d rather play games on easy mode since I don’t have all that much time to waste. Salaryman life, hard life.

NIAIK says:

Dude srsly?
Okay try tackling Rath & Los with a Dj on your tail. Solo that is.
^And that’s one of the easy tasks! (I believe 4*+ should have that mission)

Haidaraaaaa says:

I got to hr7 solo and currently have 180+ hours of playtime. I’m actually almost to hr8. If you come prepared you can easily get through any of the missions. Multiple people just makes it easier.
pic related

If you brought proper supplies, you wouldn’t need to worry about pushovers like the deviljho.
For the record I cleared every tanzia port quest from hr 1-5. Solo of course.

NIAIK says:

Not bad, I once forgot to take gear on a Dj quest. (don’t ask)
So, no. You won’t get in trouble if you can play well. But, tell me this, “How would you fare if on your online team there were 2 lousy players while on a Dj hunt?”. Would you still finish it? I really don’t think so, seeing as they’d die and make the rest of the team to lose as well.
Another final thing to take into consideration, I fucking hate it when you’re on a legendary creature quest and I get disconnected right at the end of the quest.

Well, bottom line, the game isn’t that hard if you know how to play and yes, it becomes too easy if all of the ppl in a group are good players. Anyway, I don’t own a Wii-U so I’ll also have to solo throw it all the way. And for some reason, I’d rather play it on my Wii (MH3) than on a portable system but, then again, I can’t play with my Wii on the go.
Anyhow, I don’t think the game would get harder or easier any way around; It just entirely depends on your skill and luck.
Well, w/e the case, I don’t care.
You guys hf & gl!

Azraels_Torment says:

Still better than CoD

Noize says:

THIS. I don’t get what’s so great about COD. It’s the reason we can’t have nice and better games localized

Dark_Sage says:

There aren’t any good games to localize. Japan dropped the ball after the PS2 era.

Don’t blame Activision for creating shit people actually want to buy.

bronuni says:

Well, I get what you mean with the line:
“In fact, I’m gonna say the game is unplayable if you go in blind”.
The game doesn´t really give you a toturial or anything like that. But still it isn´t unplayable blind.
Monster Hunter Tri for the Wii was my first MH game and i finished the story, with every Quest done, in like 80 Hours. The game doesn´t tell you anything. You have to find out by trying.
Also the review doesnt really sound any professional by just making some bad critic points up or the kind of language you use.

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