“If I like Monster Hunter, does that mean I’m turning Japanese?” No, it just means you have shit taste.
Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate? More like “Shitty Fucking Game 3 Ultimate”. Zing!
Hope you have a guide
This game is deep, and I don’t mean in the intellectual way. This is more of the “into its own ass” form.
You will need to research everything that’s important about this game online:
- Weapon trees
- Item drops (and percentages)
- Item locations
- Skill levels
- Skills’ actual abilities
- How to get skills to actually fucking activate
- How to progress the plot
- Enemy locations
- Enemy weaknesses (super fucking important)
- Enemy hitboxes (see above)
- Farming locations/odds of the locations appearing
- Blah blah blah, I could honestly go on for an hour here
The game was clearly built to sell strategy guides, and that’s not good game design (Demon’s Souls, I’m looking at you too).
In fact, I’m gonna say the game is unplayable if you go in blind. This makes the game difficult in an unfair sense. A good game will tell a player what its systems are and leave the player to master them. A bad game will skip the first step. And make no mistake about it — Monster Hunter is a bad game.
A game like Monster Hunter can only be judged on its gameplay. It has no story, characters, or presentation to speak of. So let’s get to judging.
Weapon/armor progression and monster weaknesses indicate the best way to progress through the game is by having multiple weapons of multiple element types. And if you don’t do what the game wants you to (by the way, the game will never, ever indicate which is the best weapon to use), you’re going to get caught up in battles of attrition that can last up to 60 minutes.
If that doesn’t sound like fun to you, I can assure you it isn’t.
But if you want to play how the game wants you to play, you’re going to have to grind for unreasonable amounts of time to get enough cash/materials for all those weapons. Hell, I had to mine ore for 10 hours to get a Dragon Hammer (sounds about as fun as you’d think). That’s one fucking weapon with one fucking element.
The best part? The game randomly assigns you a “charm table”. And if you get a bad “charm table”, you can’t get dragon weapons at all for the main story. Lucky you.
So of course, you’re going to end up playing with a limited weapon set for efficiency purposes, leading to some incredibly frustrating boss battles and grinding points. And by limiting yourself to one weapon, you’re fucking yourself (unkindly) in the ass, because various weapon/armor sets will become unavailable to you entirely. Unless you play online with others, that is…
Carry me home
…and that’s my biggest problem with Monster Hunter. The game was developed with the intent of four players tackling monsters, and it actively punishes you for playing single player. Hell, it even punishes you for playing with just two people. So you’d better get your ass online (which you can’t if you don’t have a WiiU).
Seriously, there is absolutely no reason anyone should play offline mode. At all. I tried, but turns out I just threw 70 hours down the drain. Don’t be me.
See, you could start the game in online mode, and within 10 hours of going from boss to boss with a full crew, you’ll have all the armor and weapons you’d get in 100 hours offline. And all that frustration would be shared across all members of your hunting party, making the game’s numerous flaws more tolerable. So then what’s the point of the 3DS version which has no built-in online gameplay, leaving players with really only the unbalanced single-player option?
These could be paragraphs, but you wouldn’t read them
- Nobody plays Monster Hunter in America (for good reasons), so good luck finding anyone to play with locally on your 3DS unless you want to go to your local elementary school and get arrested for creeping on kids.
- Hitboxes are broken, and monsters and loot can be hidden behind invisible walls, making it impossible to hit them or collect said loot.
- The difficulty curve was graphed by Michael J Fox.
- Underwater battles are unenjoyable, janky messes where the primary antagonist is the controls rather than the monster.
- Actually, all battles are unenjoyable, janky messes where the primary antagonist is the controls rather than the monster.
- Monster designs are generally cancer (Rathalos is the only cool looking one, but it’s literally just a dragon, so no shit it’s gonna look good), the graphics are fucked, and the music’s terrible.
Conclusive evidence of failure
Ultimately, after 70 hours I had to ask myself the question, “Have I enjoyed even a single minute of this game?”
The answer is yes. But that doesn’t make for a very good review ender, so I’m gonna say “no”.
4/10. Fuck this game. But if you wanna hunt with me sometime, I also bought this for the WiiU and am not keen on seeing that money just thrown away — NNID is ReiAyanami.