The Ninja Run: Examined

Article — By on September 7, 2014 3:33 pm

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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This may surprise you, but I used to run track in high school. Not, like, as a sport, but I ran the mile when they asked us to. As such, I feel I am qualified to talk about this very important subject.

Ninja Run - Horizon in the Middle of Nowhere

The ninja run, in action.

You know what, this isn’t even an opinion piece: I’m just gonna lay down the facts.


Fact 1: The stats don’t lie; there are no recorded instances of ninja runners losing a race to non-ninja runners. However, there are multiple recorded instances of ninja runners emerging victorious.

One example of a ninja runner winning a race.

One such example of a ninja runner winning a race.



Fact 2: Aerodynamic efficiency. There’s a reason cars aren’t shaped like towers — why the fuck would anyone run upright?

Got places to be? Ninja running gets you there faster.

Got places to be? Ninja running gets you there faster.



Fact 3: It looks way fucking cool.

Seriously, when was the last time you looked this badass? Never?

Seriously, when was the last time you looked this badass? Never? Try changing your fucking stride, then.




The Ultimate Takeaway:

Gunslinger Stratos - Ninja Run

You will be anime if you ninja run.


So the next time I meet up with one of you pricks at a con or something, and I ninja run across the sidewalk, screaming “ninja run!” I swear to god you better fucking run like that alongside me. It gets kinda awkward when I’m the only one who does it. :<



LotusGG says:

>You will be anime if you ninja run.


PP says:

Ninjas also originated in Japan, Japanese are all short as fuck, even more aerodynamic efficiency. Nippon-ninjas masterrace.

JD says:

A post about ninja running and no mention of best ninja Naruto? D_S, I’m ashamed.

Seriously though, I’d laugh my ass off if someone did ninja run with you and fell face-first into the pavement.

Humanity says:

Thankfully I found this high quality, in-depth tutorial!

Now I can be anime!

PP says:

You can hear the sound barrier shaking when he runs, he is the anime we need, but not the one we deserve.

Sky says:

Fansub review when?

Dark_Sage says:

Currently watching Everybody Loves Kirito, so maybe after that.

LotusGG says:

Is it better than porn?

Dark_Sage says:

I have no frame of reference for that. Why would I get off to porn when I have a mirror?

LotusGG says:

Do you have a pussy?

Dark_Sage says:

I’m not nearly drunk enough for where I think this is going.

Dark_Sage says:

I dunno, does “Naruto” count as an answer for all three?

PP says:

a: Naruto has a nice ass.
s: He’s pretty sexy.
l: He’s a ninja so he’s a pretty good licker, I guess.

Dark_Sage says:


PP says:

Just… accept it.

LotusGG says:

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anonymous says:

Hi is this a review?

aa says:

It is whatever you want it to be, sweety.

Nythius says:

High Quality Non-review Content

sangofe says:

Stop being so lazy writing crap instead of reviews, Dark_Sage.

Black Shads says:


Darais says:

Hey Sage, are you still planning to attend AWA this weekend?

Dark_Sage says:


…said Dark_Sage far too late after the fact, and after having already conversed with Darais on this subject over the IRCs.

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