Metal Gear Solid V – The Naruto Filler Arcs Were Better

Article, Video Games — By on October 5, 2015 1:01 am

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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I’d say this post has spoilers, but there isn’t a plot to spoil, so… [But seriously, there are fucktons of spoilers.]

 

The Bosses

Metal Gear as a series is defined and immortalized by its bosses.

"Ocelot Unit" is still one of the best boss fights in any game.

“Ocelot Unit” is still one of the best boss fights in any game. Shit, I still do the Ocelot point every now and then.

Yet in this game, where you play as a character called Big Boss, the only memorable boss fight is riding with Two-Face’s half-brother in a car for 30 fucking minutes as the game tries to see whether or not you’ll get bored enough to turn it off.

Here’s some of the others, and the brilliant strategies they require from the player:

  • Quiet – Snipe and duck.
  • Man on Fire – Run away.
  • The Skulls Parasite Unit – Run away until the game forces you to fight. Then just do the “Press R” QTEs.
  • Sahelanthropus – Fire RPG, reload, dodge, repeat.

None of these fights are inventive mechanically or thematically, nor are they memorable in the least. The one-hour, on-rails shooter from the beginning of the game was more intense and captivating than these “marquee” encounters. Paz died for this? :/

Yeah, guess Kojima offed her just for this outfit. Can't blame him though.

Yeah, guess Kojima offed her just for this outfit. Can’t blame him though.

 

 

The Game”play”

Charge

Dealing with broken environments and managing your boredom efficiently is about the only thing that approaches a difficulty in this sleeping aid.

The mission structure makes each new outing feel like a chore, and the pacing of the story removes all hints of relevance from the storyline missions. Throughout the entire 50-mission game, maybe 10 actually mattered. And the vast majority of the “second half” of the game was just missions from the first half… but repeated with stupid requirements like “fight the shotgun wielders bare-handed” or “run into a group of 20 people and avoid detection or you automatically lose”.

Not done bitching just yet.

Not done bitching just yet.

Then there’s the unskippable FOB system. MGSV forces you to participate in an online mode where you can lose resources in single player… even when you aren’t fucking playing the game.

Of particular note is that you won’t be able to reach any of the higher levels of defending your base without paying Konami $10 to level it up by getting a second one. But that’s a good bargain, because by buying that second base, you can lower the amount of time it takes to grind for all the useless weapons the game has. That’s not predatory f2p bullshit at all!

Fooled!

Sike! I was being sarcastic!

Christ, I have so much to complain about with the game design that I’m just gonna have to shove it in a bullet list later on. But yeah, shit sux.

 

 

The Story

#Depth

#Depth

So you’re Big Boss and you gotta get revenge for your base getting blown up. To do so, you recruit an army of hardened mercenaries to babysit a handful of douchebag children who end up stealing all your shit and infecting a bunch of your soldiers with parasites. By the end of the game, you go crazy by literally not going crazy at all. Also, you’re not Big Boss — you’re just some random who got plastic surgery. End plot.

That's a bit out of place.

That’s a bit out of place.

Seriously, what the fuck? This is the final Metal Gear game in the entire fucking canon, and all we get is some say-nothing bullshit that raises more questions than answers, and only introduces more stupid fucking plotholes to the poorly thought-out overarching storyline? Shit, if this wasn’t the thirteenth time Kojima pulled that, I’d be surprised.

 

 

The Characters

Quiet’s the only decent character, and that’s just cuz she has a hot body.

Quiet

I’d say she’s badass, but almost dying just to get a shitty fucking wooden necklace for some kid means I wasn’t too pissed when she left the party permanently.*

*I’m only saying that. Chemical Whiskey for life.

 

While he was a badass in MGS3, Ocelot is now the pedophile uncle no one in your family wants to acknowledge.

Creepy_Ocelot

What a fall from grace.

 

Kaz is… Well, I guess his hamburger plotline was kinda funny.

Kaz

 

And then I guess there’s this:

Big Boss, plz.

 

 

Other Things to Whine About

Metal Gear Idol

Wouldn’t bother opening this spoiler unless you’re one of those idiots who disagrees with my opinion and thinks they can challenge my brilliance in the comments section. And I’m only throwing all this here cuz if I complained about everything I wanted to, we’d end up with a 30-page thesis on the benefits of not letting Kojima anywhere near other humans.

Spoiler:

  • Can’t climb up half the fucking cliffs in the game.
  • Story is relayed entirely via cassette tapes. And I swear to god if I have to hear one more hackneyed explanation about how parasites work…
  • Shit voice acting, and I’m not just saying that because Jack Bauer is a shitty VA — this was a team effort.
  • Chapter 2. Let’s be serious.
  • Barren, pointless environments do nothing but rack up the time it takes to complete the piss-easy “missions”.
  • Helicopter transport sucks and only serves to waste the player’s time.
  • S-Ranks are just speedruns.
  • Development times have no purpose other than making you waste time in-game, waiting for your shit to develop. 24 real-time hours in-game just to develop a fucking nuke? And then it tears my Heroism in half? Fucking wow.
  • Dialogue more vapid than an Echosmith song. No, seriously, compare these two lines:
    • “Cool to me is kind of being unique and being someone you want to be. And like how you see yourself. I guess.”
    • “Meme. That is Big Boss’s plan.”

Back to playing MGS3 for the umpteenth time.

Back to playing MGS3 for the umpteenth time.

 

 

Conclusion

I can see now why Konami fired Kojima. This is a hack game made by a professional hack.

Overall score: It’s not as good as MGS4, but this is still one of the best games I’ve ever played. 10/10.

Waifus Sans Frontieres

Godspeed, Kojima. May your next project be even half as good as this.



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14 Comments

Anonymous says:

Diese ist nicht ein review

Dark_Sage says:

Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.

jymmy says:

>not recognising la plus belle langue, Esperanto.

Welp says:

*cry in japanese*

molyholy says:

That was really close to German… good job?

nony says:

All the words are legit German. I reckon, it is a step up from Sentai-tier translations.

ilducesaint says:

nice twist plot at the end, but anyway it was a good game, i loved it, and you too, maybe those details sucks very much, but overall was good, just waiting fallout 4 for more time to waste yey

KojiPro says:

F U C K K O N A M I

Hairy says:

Can’t handle all the new content.

Dark_Sage says:

Might need to take some downers to keep your heart online, cuz this week is only gonna get sagier.

wat says:

lmao @ playing single player games in TYoOL2015 where MOBAs, F2P MMOs and shitty cardgames/mobile crap/watching other people play videogames is an actual thing.

oh fuck i’ve become one of them kill me plz

Dark_Sage says:

You’re right. But I can do you one better: Dark_Sage Does Abridged!

It’s everything you hated about the anime community, condensed into YouTube-sized bites of retardation. Tell your friends and let’s make good memes together! ^_^¥

desgf says:

>Then there’s the unskippable FOB system. MGSV forces you to participate in an online mode where you can lose resources in single player… even when you aren’t fucking playing the game.

Loses from being invaded are negligible.

FOBs are the best part of the game. You have to research peoples bases and learn what their defenses are on each platform and plan your attack. They are the ultimate sneaking missions with actual risk.

There are no redos, no checkpoints, and no escapes. FOB missions actually make you feel like you are Big Boss.

Video for example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLDQOaIq_78

>Of particular note is that you won’t be able to reach any of the higher levels of defending your base without paying Konami $10 to level it up by getting a second one.

Wrong. I mean this can’t be farther from the truth if you tried. Your defense level has NOTHING to do with having a second FOB. Zero. Each FOBs defense level is independent and has no bearing on how well your other FOBs are protected. Hell, actual defense levels are platform specific.

If you have a FOB with four R&D platforms, A rank soldiers, and all the security devices developed you already have a relatively high level FOB. You’re going to get more GMP/resources than you lose with a FOB like that. Getting to that point isn’t hard either.

Actually I would be amazed if you actually had trouble setting something like that up because you somehow managed to completely fuck up at every point in the game.

>But that’s a good bargain, because by buying that second base, you can lower the amount of time it takes to grind for all the useless weapons the game has. That’s not predatory f2p bullshit at all!

For someone with a site called crymore you sure cry a lot. Maybe not develop every single weapon and just grab the stuff you actually want, but I guess that would make too much sense and doesn’t give you something to whine about. The game isn’t going to hand every single thing in the game to you just because you want it.

Why should you have cutting edge weapons, resources, and the best staff by being a non-aggressive private military group? Diamond Dogs success depends on how good you are.

tl;dr – git gud.

Dark_Sage says:

You can extol the virtues of the FOB system all you want, but the fact of the matter is that regardless of your defense levels, you can still lose progress in your single player game despite your willingness, or lack thereof, to participate. Hell, last time I logged in, I found my base raided and I’m at ~80 in base defense with all equipment researched and max $ put into each FOB. There’s nothing to “git gud” at when someone raids you while you’re offline and can’t do anything about it.

All I want is the option to opt-out, which Konami is now offering, only so long as you pay them a monthly fee. What a fucking feature.

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