Crymore’s been a little less than more of late, but I’m prepared to step up and break the silence by answering the question on everyone’s minds: Which is better? Kite, the classic live anime film starring Samuel L. Jackson? Or Kite Liberator, its spiritual successor?
Though Kite’s dialogue is generally muffled and unclear, as it is insulting to the viewer’s intelligence when they can understand it, the sound mixing is one of the movie’s strongest points.
On the other hand, Kite Liberation is all in Japanese, which nobody can even understand, making it the superior experience.
Rather than Liberator’s unconvincing “Japanese” actress,
Kite managed to provide an authentic Japanese experience by casting a girl who I’m at least 90% certain has had sushi before.
Number of times I threw my hands up at the screen, like “What the fuck, are you serious right now?”
Note: This calculation does not include confused head tilts, me looking to my left for moral support from people who weren’t there, or squinting my eyes at the screen in a “really, you guys?” manner.
- Sawa’s cringey strip tease.
- Sawa’s shit aim in the office building.
- My heater not warming the room up even though it had been going for about three hours already, come the fuck on.
- Sawa shooting a timed explosive in a guy, and it exploding, causing a shotgun-wielding bouncer to miss his shot cuz he had doucheflesh sprayed into his eye… but still somehow having the scene be completely devoid of any entertainment whatsoever.
- Right at the beginning, and since the stupid never stopped, I never put my hands down.
Count: 1, technically
Liberator: Also 3… somehow. Yeah, I envisioned these results going a bit differently.
Victor: The patriarchy.
Victor: Kite, cuz dubstep’s still cool, right?
Conqluziòn (this is Portuguese, I think)
With a final tally of 3 to 2, I think we can all agree that Japanwood should keep its nose out of American business. This kind of quarity is best left to the professionals.