Kite 2014 vs. Kite Liberator

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.


Crymore’s been a little less than more of late, but I’m prepared to step up and break the silence by answering the question on everyone’s minds: Which is better? Kite, the classic live anime film starring Samuel L. Jackson? Or Kite Liberator, its spiritual successor?



Though Kite’s dialogue is generally muffled and unclear, as it is insulting to the viewer’s intelligence when they can understand it, the sound mixing is one of the movie’s strongest points.


On the other hand, Kite Liberation is all in Japanese, which nobody can even understand, making it the superior experience.

I actually had to put on subtitles for this shit. Ridiculous.
Right here is when I turned the subtitles off for good.


Victor: Liberator.




Rather than Liberator’s unconvincing “Japanese” actress,

Since when were Japanese girls known for having big eyes and using the special forks you get from Panda Express?
Since when were Japanese girls known for having big eyes and using those special forks you get from Panda Express?

Kite managed to provide an authentic Japanese experience by casting a girl who I’m at least 90% certain has had sushi before.

Kite 2014 - Sawa
$5 says three flavored sake shots is her limit.


Victor: Kite.



Number of times I threw my hands up at the screen, like “What the fuck, are you serious right now?”

Like this, except with more angry.
Like this, except with more angry.

Note: This calculation does not include confused head tilts, me looking to my left for moral support from people who weren’t there, or squinting my eyes at the screen in a “really, you guys?” manner.



  • Sawa’s cringey strip tease.
  • Sawa’s shit aim in the office building.
  • My heater not warming the room up even though it had been going for about three hours already, come the fuck on.
  • Sawa shooting a timed explosive in a guy, and it exploding, causing a shotgun-wielding bouncer to miss his shot cuz he had doucheflesh sprayed into his eye… but still somehow having the scene be completely devoid of any entertainment whatsoever.

Count: 4



  • Right at the beginning, and since the stupid never stopped, I never put my hands down.
    • The show's legitimately about zombie space gargoyles.
      The show’s legitimately about zombie space gargoyles.

Count: 1, technically


Victor: Liberator.



Accurate naming/symbolism


This is a Kite. It is a Kite.
This is a kite. It is a kite.



This is a paper airplane. It's neither a kite nor a liberator.
This is a paper airplane. It is not sharp enough to be a kite liberator.


Victor: Kite.



Panty Shots

Kite: 3

Kite 2014 Pantsu Shots


Liberator: Also 3… somehow. Yeah, I envisioned these results going a bit differently.

Kite Liberator Pantsu Shots


Victor: The patriarchy.



Ending Song




Victor: Kite, cuz dubstep’s still cool, right?



Conqluziòn (this is Portuguese, I think)

What a surprise.

With a final tally of 3 to 2, I think we can all agree that Japanwood should keep its nose out of American business. This kind of quarity is best left to the professionals.

18 thoughts on “Kite 2014 vs. Kite Liberator”

  1. Conclusão

    Now this is Portuguese.

    Since you whine so much about ESLs in you reviews, I guess you could be more cautious before writing shit in what you suppose to be another language.

    Perhaps you had a reason to write like that, but whatever, crywhinemore.

    Ok, now I confess, I just wanted to tease you a little before the year’s end, D_S-chan.

    Happy holidays and a good 2015 for you!


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