Grand Prix Vancouver 2016: Tourney Report

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.


Though I despise Magic the Gathering and its community with all my heart, I will 100% rationalize any decision to go to Vancity for a weekend.



6:30 RIP already

Got to the MSP airport and found its only Taco Bell closed.


Having staked my stomach on Taco Bell breakfast, I was left with no other option but to give up and die.


6:35 “Get up, sir. You can’t die here.”

Security had problems with me being sprawled on the ground in front of the Taco Bell. Apparently you aren’t allowed to starve to death in Obama’s America.

Trump will be sure to put a stop to that.
Trump will be sure to put a stop to that.

So I picked up my stuff, grabbed a breakfast burrito from some other joint, and went to my gate.


8:00 Flight to Dankouver


12:00 Pick-up lines and rail lines

On my ride over to the Convention Center, there was this chick on the train with an AniRevo shirt on.

I contemplated testing out my American accent on her to see how impressed a foreigner would be by our superior vocal tones, but I heard that in Canada it’s rude to hit on the mentally disabled.

The joke is that AniRevo sucked.
The joke is that AniRevo sucked.


1:00 PrayMore

Made my way to the convention center only to find that I had been duped by puddi and the booms — there was no Magic con after all. I flew four fucking hours only to find myself at Jesus Con 2016.

A real thing that really happened.
A real thing that really happened.

So I decided to make the best of it and sit in on this panel…

Like my one-handed camera skills?

It was shortly after I was committed to my fate that I noticed that they had set up a prayer space in the middle of the con center. A fucking prayer space.

Boy, the half-Catholic, half-Baptist blood in me boiled over so hard I had no choice but to bounce. Fucking heathens trying to confine Jesus in a box? Every place is a prayer space as long as you don’t care about being an asshole!


1:30 Something’s in the air, and it ain’t love

Finding myself back in the wet, windy streets of Vancouver, I noticed a familiar scent: wet sewage, rotted teeth, and stagnant virginity. There really was a Magic con in the area!

What luck.
What luck.


1:45 Con carnage

After about 30 minutes of sifting through the hordes of jizz-stained-XXL-Levi’s-wearing man-husks in the actual convention center, I didn’t see my boys anywhere. So I got a bit stalker on our group chat…


With no response forthcoming, I decided to do another round of the halls and found the boys busy playing Magic against some IT department rejects. They crushed and/or got crushed. Who cares? Fuck Magic.


7:00 Sushi for supper

The boys wanted to hit up the steak place we went to at AniRevo, but I reminded them I was banned after I did the 9-shot challenge on our last trip. So instead we walked about to try to find something that looked good.

Eventually ran across a Japanese place that seemed like it’d have edibles.

And it did.
And it did.


8:30 Return

Traveled back to boomer’s place for nighttime festivities. (Helps having a pal in Vancouver considering every hotel is $400 a night or more.)

On the way, we played “which VA would you most prefer to have vomit in your mouth?” My vote was for Kayano Ai.


The boys’ picks were… actually, I guess I was the only one playing that game.




7:00 A gentlemen’s disagreement

On our way over to the con center, we had a lengthy discussion on the merits of life vs. hometown. While I was prepared to defend hometown to the death, my comrades were apparently dirty lifers.

Well said, Kiyoshi. ;_;

We got pretty effusive in our arguments, and I think one of the guys on the train actually knew what we were talking about, considering the “why would you even” glares he kept throwing our way. Didn’t go far to stopping us though.


8:00 Breakfast at Bellagio’s

While I suggested we continue our longstanding eggs Benedict con quest, the boys shared a knowing glance before informing me they’d rather try something that some rando establishment couldn’t fuck up.

The moment of truth.

Well, it turned out I was going to have to continue my quest because the eggs bennies tasted like the kitchen had run out of hollandaise and figured that dijon would be an adequate substitute. The others fared little better, as puddi’s French toast was straight raw, and boomer’s breakfast platter tasted like it was cooked on the floor.


1:00 Chinese Thai food


It was objectively mediocre, but couched in the middle of 12 hours of soul-crushing boredom it tasted like a wokky oasis. Whatever the fuck that is.


10:30 Cactus Club celebration

Early in the day we made a bet with each other that at least one of us would have to go 6-3 or better or we’d have to eat McDonald’s for supper as punishment. This caused a lot of stress throughout the day (we didn’t exactly end up with the best decks or records), but by the end we made it, and the reward couldn’t have been sweeter.

Can't beat the view.
Can’t beat the view.

God damn. Gotta say this was one of the best meals I have had in my entire life. Considering I eat out (on average) once every two meals, that is indeed high fucking praise.

Well worth the dosh.

Hell, with the Canadian dollar as shit as it is, the whole damn thing cost less than a microwaved meal at Applebee’s in the States. 10/10, would exploit Canadian currency again.


12:00 ~

Threw back to boomer’s to sleep together.

Don't tell Jesus!
Don’t tell Jesus!




We didn’t have any good food this day, so I’m not even gonna bother blogging about it.

Have some Geass instead.
Have some Geass instead.




5:00 Aeropuerto pt. 1


As Vancouver’s politburo have determined Uber is some capitalist conspiracy created to make Vancouver affordable for the middle class, and a 25-minute taxi drive costs $75, we woke up early to take puddi to the airport for his flight back home.

Unfortunately for our intrepid co-hero, Air Canada overbooked and kicked him off the flight. Good thing he didn’t have anything important going on later that day or it’d have been really inconvenient!



11:00 Red light means green light, right?

Per our pact on Sunday, boomer took me by one of the red light districts to hire a replacement puddi for the rest of the day. The we saw what our options looked like.

On second thought, maybe nope.
On second thought, maybe nope.

Still, I gotta give Vancity prostitutes credit — putting their hair up in pigtails truly hides the age, although it does little for the track marks.


12:00 Time for Taiwanese

Boomer took me to one of his old haunts for a decent lunch. I ordered the beef tendon soup, which resulted in the server giving me a worried look and a failed attempt to get me to choose something else. Too bad for her; I actually enjoyed it.

Nice try, but I grew up on blood sausage so ain't nothing gonna faze me.
Nice try lady, but I grew up on blood sausage so ain’t nothing gonna faze me.


1:00 So metro they call it the Metro

As a way to pass time, boomer took me to the Metro — Vancouver’s biggest mall.


Went to a couple of anime shops, which was certainly an experience.

One was selling this for $280 (MSRP: $110)
One was selling this for $280 (MSRP: $110).
Another was selling these for $30 each.
Another was selling these for $30 each.

Surprised there are enough idiots to keep these places in business. …well actually, maybe I’m not.


Then we tried on clothes for a few hours like a couple basic bitches.

"Yeah, I know I look good in both, but which do I look better in?"
“Yeah, I know I look good in both, but which do I look better in?”


6:00 To Richmond & beyond

Stopped by one of the only Chinese places in Vancouver for supper and grabbed the cuttlefish & asparagus. Shortly after, Booms dropped me off at the airport and we shared one last sweet moment before parting.

This reminds me of a Vocaloid song.
Is it weird this pic reminds me of a Vocaloid song?


Will def. have to find an excuse to come back sometime. Hopefully not a Magic-related one, though. Magic sucks.

3 thoughts on “Grand Prix Vancouver 2016: Tourney Report”

  1. I guess Republic of China-chan just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

    On an equally serious note, the number of folks who think that Thai food comes from Taiwan is amusing. A little sad too, but mostly amusing.


Leave a Comment