Fire Emblem Fates Special Edition ~Mediocre Giveaway Contest~

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.


I have an extra and rather than being like those greedy assholes scalping it for $250, I’m gonna irreversibly disappoint all but one of you reading this. Ain’t giveaways great?


The Contest

Pretend like you're having fun!
Pretend like this is a good idea!

Here’s the deal: All you have to do is tell me what this giveaway contest should have been instead of this. Best answer wins.

So, like, “Everyone who comments get entered into a random drawing” or “Best Fire Emblem art drawn for this contest” would count as entries, but those are fucking shit. Practical, funny, or stupid. I don’t care what the hell your answer is so long as it’s the best one.

Clever contest huh, kouhai?
Clever contest concept, huh, Senpai Kouhai?



The Sugoi Desu Prize

It looks like you're just getting the Birthright box, but the thing's got the Conquest box-art on the back, and this as a reversible cover.
It looks like you’re just getting the Birthright box, but the thing’s got the Conquest box-art on the back, and the full SE box-art for a reversible cover. …it’s really nice.

You can alternatively choose a different ~puraizu~ from my pile of extra shit that I have lying around, which includes such high-quality items as:

  • Armfuls of random anime swag (I promise you will be overwhelmed)
  • The Love Live S1 Premium Edition, cuz I don’t know why I have two
  • A half-eaten box of sweet corn flavored “pretz”

But I mean, this thing is legit $250+. So maybe just scalp away if you don’t want it.



The Dank Deets

And the dank beats:

  • I’ll send it anywhere in the world as long as it doesn’t get me arrested. So no “Attn: Anthrax Department | The White House | Washington, DC” this time, kay?
  • I guess there ain’t a limit to how many entries you can have.
  • Contest ends a week from now, so… 7:00 PM US Central Time, Monday Feb 29th.
  • If your comment’s not showing up or you just wanna hit on me privately, my email’s darksagerk at gmail dot com.

For clarification purposes I’ll answer any relevant questions in this post, but don’t expect me to be throwing feedback everywhere. Cuz where’s the fun in that?

Kay, shitpost away~
Kay, shitpost away~

116 thoughts on “Fire Emblem Fates Special Edition ~Mediocre Giveaway Contest~”

  1. Who ever can make the best recording of the entire story of Fire emblem Awakening. Reciting each characters lines in their closest imitation voice. Stage, wardrobe, and style and acting would decide the winner.

  2. The contest should be a test of passion to see who really enjoys the game and show that they really want it by either saying a heart filled moment of fire emblem, describing the hilarious things that goes on in that game, or even showing the original things you dedicated that fire emblem inspired that person to do like art, music, game mods, etc. All those things that you have accomplished because of just 1 game that made them do what they do.

  3. fanart contest. Instead of fire emblem fanart, it’s of your favorite D_S ship. So for example, I’d draw D_S doing body shots off of octopimp.

    entries would be judged on art quality, quality of ship, and creativity of D_S’s representation (since most of us have not been so graced to have witnessed his sagey brilliance).

  4. The contest should have been about why Dark Sage even does giveaways in the first place instead of spending more time reviewing anime!

    Like you know, what a “normal” human being would do!

  5. “All you have to do is tell me what this giveaway contest should have been instead of this.”

    this contest makes as much sense as a college essay prompt

  6. Contest entries should have been beer or wine (your preference,) shipped to your address Sage. Tastiest booze wins.

    Use the three keychains as runner up prizes for worst booze, most expensive booze (if not also tastiest,) and coolest bottle design.

    • Hey man, I never said the keychains were a part of this. I mean, how’d you know I got one of my orders from Gamestop?

      …shit, I’m gonna have to throw the keychains in, aren’t I? RIP my chibi Xander. ;_;

      • The key chains you get randomly in those boxes look nicer anyway, I’ve seen both side by side.

        Raised details rather than flat makes a difference. Know what I’m sayin’?

  7. FEmblem Fates: SE drinking game

    This will probably require people in the same room each with a bottle of liquor buuuut…

    1) Head on over to good old eBay (because good luck getting the SE anywhere else) and look at the dank prices that the SE is selling for

    2) Drink for every listing of the SE edition

    3) Check back every hour for new listings. See a new listing? Drink

    4) Last man standing is the winner of the contest

    There’s 40 listings on the first page as of now by my count. I’ll go drink to my death now.

  8. You should’ve just scalped it on Amazon like I’ll undoubtedly do because I’ve basically already just won the “contest” and you should have bought that capture card device thing instead.

  9. This giveaway should have been an NFC adapter and Fire Emblem Amiibos, especially Lucina.

    Because only Nintendo of America would make Lucina and friends premium.

    Or even OG Fire Emblem swag.

    Also, that Camilla portrait is dank.

  10. Have everyone submit ideas to reinvigorate the international anime community. Whatever idea has the most positive, tangible impact wins


    How about this: everyone sends you pictures of their lunch or whatever and whoever has the tastiest-looking food wins

  11. The first person to hack in 4chan’s lewd Live2d textures so we can grope fondle pet ogle at(?) them in game and not just on our desktops.

  12. All entrants need to make a video of them petting their friends faces and then post it to youtube to show everyone that its a totally normal thing to do.

  13. This should have been a contest to see who could come up with the most convincing reason to sell the game for $250+ instead of giving it away. Alternatively it could be a contest to see who can suggest the best way to spend $250.

  14. If you’re mildly interested in money, “purchase tickets into the raffle with real money.” Ticket price $1 ($5?), low enough that people would purchase multiple tickets. Possibly “bonus entry if you post this somewhere” to boost attention and tickets sold.

    If you like to see miserable people, a photo competition when the entry is your face looking as exhausted/annoyed/upset as possible. “Bonus entry if you tell me why”. (“Bonus entry if it’s a video of you crying.” Pfft.)

    If you like to suffer, Fire Emblem pun competition, possibly specify which game you want puns for. It’ll be awful. Pun competitions are always awful.

  15. This contest should’ve been an article that used dry humour and diverse ways of describing something as shit to justify me still coming here.

  16. Practical: Person who can draw the worst character in such a way that makes them look like the best character. Points based on how shit the character actually is, and how hard the new depiction makes you. It’s like pander-art, but with a fun self-loathing aspect where you’re forced to love something you hate. Like when you discover a feminist has a great ass.

    Stupid: Person who gets the best Fire Emblem brand. They have to custom make the brand of the logo or a character or whatever, heat the fucker up till it’d make the devil squeal, and brand themselves anywhere on their body that they so choose. Person with the best ‘Fire Emblem’ gets the prize. Points deducted for that shitty ‘holographic’ layering effect, because it means they were a pansy ass bitch who couldn’t stop squirming.

    Funny: Why is this one the hardest one for me? Guess I’m just an unfunny fuck. Everything I think of is either mean or gross. ‘Person who films themselves destroying $250 worth of other games they own’, ‘person who films themselves pushing over the most Fire Emblem cosplayers at a con’, ‘person who films themselves sticking the most DS games into their body, any orifice’ (There’s probably something wrong with me) ‘person who can breathe the biggest fireball’ (I like the fire theme, but I don’t think anything will top branding for thematic relevancy. Plus, that’s just a lawsuit waiting to happen.)

    But let’s just go with…
    Whoever can get the funniest video of a senior citizen, who clearly knows nothing about Fire Emblem, anime, or games, to explain why they think that person should get the prize. Bonus points if they are very clearly confused about everything going on, if they clearly don’t want to be there, if they have trouble pronouncing the names, and even more points if they either don’t like the person or don’t know the person they’re vying for.

    P.S. obligatory sexual harassment, you sexysage, you c;

  17. Contest should have been a speed run of a gba fire emblem game with the prize being the very same fire emblem game, with a review of said game for the winner’s eyes only, unless he/she posts it online.

  18. So is this how you tell how many people actually visit your site?

    You should have made the contest one where people submit photos of them ‘decorating’ their DS with their Fire Emblem waifu on it, like that

  19. Perhaps having the giveaway contest be… Picking what each participant’s favorite song in Fates is would be a good idea. A smaller group that picked YOUR (Dark_Sage) favorite song would be the nominees and from there on it’d be a random draw.
    Gotta admit, my entry’s mostly influenced by how much I love Road Taken right now. ^ o^

  20. How about the contest be what your favorite class in the three games are. Or what class you wanna be. Because the puppeteers look and sound like an awesome class to me

  21. I am confused now, did you buy 2 Special Editions? As I have never played any Fire Emblem Games I won’t participate, but I might buy the shitty EU version. But I probably won’t cause I am too mad at them for removing the pet feature.

    • Oh no, that would be silly. I bought three, and then a copy each of Birthright and Conquest.

      (I expected one of the three SEs to get canceled, so I legitimately ended up with an extra I hadn’t counted on.)

  22. The Giveaway contest should’ve also been who ever could create the best cosplay outfit for any fire emblem character Roy,Marth,Ike,Lucina, Robin , etc .

  23. Whoever can prompt Nintendo to realize that the fire emblem fan base wants more special editions so scalpers can stop overpricing them :(

  24. Who ever wins a real life simulation of a Fire Emblem Battle where you get a player phase and the enemy has their own phase. LET THE BEST TACTICAL MIND WIN.

  25. Contest: Come up with the winning comment I should’ve posted instead of this lazy halfhearted call for assistance so you can help me help Dark_Sage help me in validating my fragile sense of worth through the acquisition of meaningless capitalist trinkets by proxy.

    In return I promise to award you the priceless gift of self-satisfaction in knowing you’ve aided two of the noblest of causes: further fellating Dark_Sage’s ego and satiating an anonymous asshole’s need for free swag.

    I can think of no greater gift for someone other than myself in this contest.

  26. Who can score Sagey some strange? Duh.

    My sister’s in the Southeast Como neighborhood (I think; she keeps bouncing around University every couple months) and she’s definitely not fat, so we know she’s in your strike zone. She’s a sullen, acrimonious misanthrope who has not bothered to acquire even the most fundamental social graces, so you and she should get along famously!

    I believe that my willingness to whore out a family member for this competition secures me an instant victory.

  27. Whoever can act out and cosplay every possible support in Fire Emblem Awakening including all of the confessions. That includes Robin (F) and Chrom ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  28. Okay, here’s what you do.

    Have every participant send in a selfie of themselves. Use all the selfies to create a photo mosaic of Shouzou_Kaga, the creator of of Fire Emblem series, beginning with Shadow Dragon and the Blade of Light a.k.a. the OG FE.

    Print out the mosaic. Make it huge. Put it against a wall. Stream yourself on Twitch about ready to throw a dart. Whomever’s selfie it lands on, is the winner.

    Once you throw it –

    Miss completely.

    Have the dart hit a picture framed of President Barack Obama instead (because every American should have a picture of their current President in their homes).

    Call Barack.

    “Hey, Barack?”
    “… Who’s this? How’d you get this number?”

    Tell him what’s up. Tell him of his prize. Excuse his confusion. Tell the leader of the free world why he’s won this prize. Tell him of the overwhelming demand for a supply that’s extremely limited. Tell him that, despite it being an example of fundamental backbone of market economy, Japan’s fucking up a microeconomics means of production*. It’s fucking up capitalism, Mr. Obama. How un-American is that? Come on, Japan, didn’t we go over this several wars ago what happens when you fucks with the red, white and blue?

    Convince him that he’s gotta hit up his homeboy, Shinzō Abe, elected Prime Minister of Japan. Have him tell dat nigga, “Aye, yo man, remember that Peace Treaty of San Francisco we did for ya boys back in ’52? Remember them two A-bombs we drop on ya not too long before that? Well, Ima bout to go over there and give your wife the O-bomb unless you do something about Fire Emblem Fates: Special Edition for some of my boys over here. You don’t have to watch, but you’re free to. This is America calling here after all.”

    Shinzo’s shakin’ in his boots. He knows of our American sexual prowess; most especially the legendary weapons of ass destruction our black Americans carry in their trousers. The most powerful American in world + that Shaft lovin’ = Abe’s wife going black, and never coming back. Just coming over. And over. And over.

    Abe sees this so clearly in his mind. He understands it. A bit turned on by it. Regardless, he makes a couple of phone calls.

    “Moshi Moshi?”
    “Tatsumi Kimishima?”
    “[This is Shinzo. Shinzo Abe.]”

    The fifth and current President of Nintendo is taken aback. A phone call? Directly from the Prime Minister? He excuses himself from his meeting with Shinobu Tsukasa of the Yamaguchi-gumi Yakuza organization. Tsukasa allows it – he knows that Kimishima would never allow anything to interrupt the both of them unless it was of the utmost importance.

    They exchange some words. There’s a bit of a protest, but after some gentle yet firm words, Kimishima complies. He understands. He’d be worried, too, if an American were to flaunt his/her sexuality around. But a black man from America? Double so. Most especially if that black man is America’s greatest leader? Exponentially so.

    Hours later, Nintendo of Japan releases an official Twitter statement.

    The stores are re-stocked. Not only in America, but the world.

    World peace is achieved for a bit as everybody tries out this latest Fire Emblem.

    War breaks out once the argument of whether the Hoshido or the Nohr are better**.

    It doesn’t matter. We all get our copies of Fire Emblem: Fates Special Edition.

    All because you “missed” your dart throw – for a giveaway.

    *I’m just putting together words that I hope make sense.
    **But those’re in the lesser countries; the rest of us are writing, creating and Rule 34ing fanfiction of some weird orgy between the two families.

      • Yeah, he seems like a real winner and not a weirdo typing up fan fiction on the internet of President Barack Obama calling the Prime Minister of Japan and threatening to sleep with his wife if he didn’t restock Fire Emblem Fates: Special Edition.

  29. Chinese finger traps! Get 5, fill them with (fast acting) super glue, and stick all 5 fingers inside. Whoever can escape the finger traps fastest wins the game!

    Alternatively, whoever can literally cry the most.

  30. I don’t even have a 3DS yet but I’m sure as hell shitposting for the prize.

    FE is a fun game and I want to see how it is right now on the 3DS.

  31. Ooh ooh! Last one! Who can come up with the //most believable// support conversation involving a character’s menstrual cycle. Sprinkle it with broken English, then make up some BS about it being changed due to localization. Theennn we say nobody in Japan even thought to mention it or bring it up because knowing your woman’s cycle is encouraged and completely normal. If anything, it makes a man seem more sensitive and desirable! Also- Japanese dudes TOTALLY walk around with handfuls of tampons sticking out of their pockets as a way to attract the ladies.

    See how many weaboos fall for it, or how much jimmies can be rustled. M’timeofthemonth ?

  32. This giveaway contest should have been a photo contest for scalpers to show off how many copies of the game they have along with a picture of their driver’s license so we can find… I mean so you can find out where to send their extra copy.

  33. In my opinion the most interesting contest would be a contest to make up the best contest.
    So you should keep all that $250 junk considering you probably had the best idea youself.

  34. Holy crap there’s a lot of entries. The off-topic section pales in comparison.

    Well, I think my idea has already been posted, but since I’m too lazy to confirm this by reading comments… here it is!

    Make a review about an Anime Episode requested personally by D_S and the one which impresses him the most wins.

    And since there’s no limit to entries… I’ll take one more chance

    Giveaway 2:
    Guess the opinions of D_S for the next season (Scale: Fuck This – Nope – Maybe worth watching – Probably worth watching – Definitely worth watching) The one with the most correct guesses wins. If there are 2 or more who actually guessed everything correct, then the one who was first wins.

  35. Actually, that wasn’t my last one. THIS is my last one. Wasn’t there a support conversation with Lissa where she said Chrom was biting into an orange with the skin still on- like an apple? That could be the contest entry! To enter, you must record a video of yourself biting into an orange like an apple, chewing, and swallowing. Open mouth, prove you ate it.

  36. I can’t believe that this hasn’t been already posted, but I ctrl-f’d like a boss and didn’t see it, so here goes:

    You crowdsourced your contest, but really you should have crowd sourced content for your “fansub review” blog that is depressingly devoid of fansub reviews (lately, always).

    Contest would be to write a full review that D_S could use on the site, and submit it via email or someshit. The best/most entertaining review as determined by D_S and any appointed judges wins. Runners-up would get the honor of having their review posted to the site as well.

    Also, it’s about that time of year. Banner contest when? I swear this will be the year that I actually make something.

    • Two weeks into Spring 2016 is what I’m looking at for the banners. Banner contest during a slow period for the site is a set up for disappointment.

  37. Contest shoulda been whoever creates the best story of why their waifu is their waifu wins.

    But that’s just my two cents. Good luck to all!

  38. Any conversation involving Fire Emblem always eventually devolves into bickering over whose combat-waifu is best, so let’s just cut to the chase here.

    You should have just made the contest “prove why your FE waifu is best FE waifu” and watched everyone shitpost. No faster way to build a community up, then tear them down, than having a good old-fashioned waifu war.

  39. One of the things I remember the most about you is your manga collection. Rooms full, if I remember right. You have about 4000+ more than I do or I have less than 0.025% of your stash. Those are statistical ways of saying I have none.

    Am I jealous? Unfortunately, no (´・ω・`)

    Now please believe me – I don’t think you have too many manga. I just think that you have a lot.
    And with a lot, I bet you wouldn’t mind if you were to lose one (!!!). Besides, you’ll get to showcase your collection to the world for more e-peen and your sacrificial devotion to the sacred Chinese art form! And attract more visitors to this LiveJournal!

    So here’s the contest:
    *Choose one of your walls of manga. The more filled the better.

    *Each person who enters will pick one specific volume from said wall (like Naruto Vol. 2391 or w/e because I know that’s your favorite).

    *Drink to your heart’s content until tipsy.

    *Oh, I forgot – buy an old dartboard set beforehand. It’s the darts you’ll need; I don’t give a fuck about what you do with the dartboard.

    *Stand in the center of the room, spin yourself until dazed, and chuck a dart. (The aim is to hit a manga in its spine. If you hit anything else, shout an expletive of your choice, take a shot of moonshine, and try again.)

    *Check to see whose manga you hit. If none, find the farthest. Farthest because closest is too easy, and you get to work harder. Use metric because I’m 97% sure you’re American, and Americans have a hard time with metric!

    *Take pictures to prove you actually did the contest. If anyone objects, you have the right to tell them to logoff and fuck their mother some more. Or father. Depends on what doujin you read last.

    *Contest ends in a year. At the rate you’re going, by then you’d have a presidential library of manga somewhere with backup copies. See? I like you. I’m more sympathetic to your wellbeing than I let on ( ゚∀゚)彡

    *In the event of a tie involving two or more people, roll a d20. If it’s a 15, re-do the dart throw so everyone else gets a chance again. If 1-14, reroll again. If 16-20, reroll until you get 1-14. How many times you reroll in the contest is how many times you regret not scalping the SE (!!!).

    *Contester’s Voluntary Right to Void: Cancel anytime for any reason by using self-immolation to burn your collection down. The contest is then impossible with you and your manga unavailable. (The place should go up in flames as if you found my mixtape.)

  40. Kay, it’s seven. gg all, now I’ll have to stop playing Fates long enough to figure out who won ‘n shit. Will be announced in another filler post, how lucky for everyone. ._.

  41. The contest should be who can get Commie member’s accounts DCMAed off of twitter. 1 account removed = 1 saved anime = 1 raffle entry

    • Double points when it’s done openly by active members of rival fansubbing groups. Skiddicks’ heedless bravery in the face of Mutually Assured Destruction should be celebrated as an example to us all.

  42. How about a contest in which everyone had to write you a short essay (1 page double spaced) describing why they think they deserve your special edition? You would be able to see a multifarious amount of writing styles and personalities. This could open up your schema to a new way of looking at things and the literary review would be great experience too! (For the record this poster sucks at detailed writing, I’m more of a dreamer and presentation specialist hence why I never won ANY scholarships.) (>~_~)>


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